“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Other portions of the personality, while recognizing this, still felt that the personality as a whole needed to impose some restraints upon what it regarded as flamboyantly spontaneous qualities. Therefore it chose a highly restrictive early environment. It chose a parent whose emotions were highly unrestrained, so that the parent’s action could serve as a constant reminder of its own flamboyant emotions.

Now. When these were released, when he left the initial environment, he ran willy-nilly, he felt. He tended to be ruled more than he would prefer by emotionalism. (Pause.) At this point he began to rely upon you somewhat as a controlling factor, since he felt you were more given to reason and control. When you became ill, he realized that no other human being could be used in such a way.

He also felt, as mentioned earlier, that emotionalism on his part brought you ill fortune in Florida. The part-time job at the gallery for a while became a controlling factor, preventing him from dealing with the creative self on a full-time basis.

Unfortunately several episodes frightened him enough so that he felt again the need for controls. Now here is one nice little point. Ruburt’s mother, as mentioned earlier, had often told him that if he kept on as he was going he would lose his mind; and contacts with psychologists, when he feels they are testing him, brings up this old issue.

The symptoms had begun however before that time, but lightly. He also felt that you had adopted symptoms earlier, somewhat that as a system of controls—that you were so emotionally upset you didn’t know what to do, and therefore put yourself in a position where you could do little of importance: you could not make errors.

The symptoms initially were clamped on in panic. One or two poor test results frightened him. This of course added to the other issues. The purpose however was two-fold again, the development of an environment in which controls would be there: the symptoms taking the place in this case of the mother’s restrictive presence, and the comparative isolation in the house, the comparative solitude that he felt was necessary then for the emergence of the creative abilities—both of these you see existing in the child environment.

Otherwise he felt he might fritter his energy away. At the same time he was afraid of it for the reasons given, and felt it was best to handle it in an environment of applied controls.

Give us time. He did not count upon the body’s response. He was terrified of the vulnerability to pain, and yet he felt the ability to face and handle the pain was something he would run away from otherwise; that he had done everything to avoid it, and that it was one of life’s physical realities that he had refused to admit. So he felt a taste of it would not hurt him.

He also felt it would help him understand to some extent his mother’s actions, and rid him of the hatred he had of her. Now give us time. The problem as he set it in the framework he made for it, was quite literally huge. He also wanted to understand the effect of mind on matter. He did not really believe, intellectually, what I told him, that you form your own reality, and he felt that the symptoms would also help. He did not get his symptoms to test my theories, understand. Do you follow me?

The controls were actually adopted in fear against the insanity threatened by his mother, and the implications that he felt implied in the Instream affair. He did not for example fear he was insane, but he felt the need once more to control the spontaneity. Your father’s condition as always had these implications, and it did not escape him that your father, in his mental condition, is put in a wheelchair and restrained forcibly. In other words Ruburt restrained himself ahead of time.