“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

There would have been no overwhelming conflict for him, hence no such physical symptoms as he has encountered, if he was content, you see, basically to let you carry the financial ball—in other words, if he were truly a dependent personality.

The conflict has never been that he resented having to make extra money outside of writing. The conflict—when it was touched off you see by the need to make more money again—the conflict resulted from what would appear to be two methods of making money. One method he felt was highly favored by you, and by far it seemed the most dependable, and he chose it.

In the past, it had been at least acceptable to him, because he felt it a temporary means. His own overexpectations, or rather unrealistic expectations concerning his book, and the mistakes he felt were connected with it, sensitized him, until he felt that outside money would be a permanent part of his life.

The method, a job, now became unacceptable. But only the method. The signs were obvious. Whenever he fights what you want, or believe necessary, there is a very strong reason, and you had both better inquire into it, for he does not cross you lightly. And when he does, he does so in such a manner as to shield himself from the knowledge, you see.

The symptoms then began as he began to think in terms of job hunting. Your remarks concerning the benefits of a regular job would bring the symptoms to a pitch, and did so as recently as a week or so ago.

The nursery school was at the time the only move he felt really open to him. He was afraid he would not manage a steady income with the Avon, and already frightened of the mobility it demanded. Nursery school seemed to offer a compromise between your idea of a regular job, and his own dislike of one. He felt guilty at turning down the yoga classes, yet he felt that to match your performance he was expected to work five afternoons. His symptoms were aggravated again on the signing of the contract, and highly again when he refused the summer position.

For various reasons, the men in his family, his grandfather on his father’s side, whom he did not know, his maternal grandfather and his father, were highly independent, insisting upon working for themselves. Ruburt picked up this Indian trait from the maternal grandfather.

All of these issues bear on Ruburt’s idea of a job. His money potential will be strengthened if these matters are highly considered. It is not a question of fearing to face reality financially. There is an effective and efficient way for him to do so, and he has been too frightened and panic-stricken to try it.

He is for that matter still frightened, and will need your support. If this were not the case he would have given notice for next year now. All of these have been involved with his writing, obviously. When he was enthused about its future, the secondary aspects of making additional cash did not critically concern him.

He was bothered particularly, you see, because his own mother’s position makes him terrified of being financially dependent, yet the way he chose to make, money at this particular point was precisely the wrong way for him at this time.

He felt his own respect and yours, he must take a job, and a regular one— and for the reasons given this had highly unpleasant repercussions that led to symptoms of immobility. These symptoms further aggravated his fears of dependence, and in his worse moments he feared that he would become a cripple and you would leave him. This was when the mother identification was at its peak—now long past.

The result, of course, was a complete stoppage of writing for a time. We managed to get some signs through to you in our sessions, and he would have been in worse condition had they been cut out.

Had the same time and effort been given then to the kind of endeavors he is now planning, as was given to the selection of a job, there would have been no further difficulty.

The problems were related to Ruburt’s own writing, as you see. This last Saratoga episode was highly beneficial, even though it frightened Ruburt because he was afraid to use the freedom offered to him. There was great emotional charge behind the whole reunion question, and the “shall I go—shall I not go”—questioning discharged long withheld energy. Symbolically Ruburt came to grips with the whole Saratoga problem with his mother and the past.

Even though he did not make the trip he came out on top. He was afraid to go in the last analysis, but he was not afraid to go for the old reasons.

Ruburt should expect to do well, and he shall. Patience and stubbornness can also be used here in this endeavor, as he used them to poor advantage to a job. Do you see my point here?

At the first sign of failure last autumn with the ESP column, he pulled out entirely, while he applied for job after job.

Do avoid the foods for now. Except for a barrier, yes, Ruburt may do what he wishes with his furniture. The desire to do so represents the fact that he is beginning to realize his freedoms.

I will end our session. However we shall hold our regular Wednesday session to these same matters. For Ruburt’s benefit: He is being forced to solve his problem now, to find the solution for him. Had he been alone he would simply have been forced to solve it earlier.