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(This morning I received a very upsetting phone call from Jeff Karder. He too is upset that Jane is obviously much more uncomfortable these days than she used to be — than two months ago, say. He doesn’t want her to suffer. Jeff doesn’t suggest antibiotics at this time, but told me that the ulcers on Jane’s right knee and left hand won’t heal themselves, and that the new swelling on the top of her right shoulder may turn into another such area. [It didn’t.] Jane has a traveling infection, he believes, and he hopes it doesn’t get into her bloodstream. I’ve suspected the same thing. Jeff said an operation would be needed on the knee to correct the condition.
(I was also angry that Jane hadn’t allowed anything to come through in sessions about herself for some time. I think this means that her sinful self, or whatever, has once again clamped down. It doesn’t want her to recover. The great question, then, is why those portions of the self would — and do — continue their terribly destructive ways, even to the point of bringing about their own death — for if allowed to, I think, death would be the end result, the final step along their chosen path.
(During our talk I’d cited a long list of things that in my view Jane has given up over the years, at the never-satisfied behest of portions of the personality that were now in complete control. It’s all gone now except for her lying in bed, and she can’t even do that in peace these days. She’d even given up all reading, even with the new glasses we so eagerly sought from Jim Baker. The supporting easel I’d made for her to use in reading, sits in the closet of 330. Jane used it just once. She said she doesn’t use it or do any reading because of the longer sessions.
[...] As far as she knows, she doesn’t have “the slightest mathematical vocabulary.”
(The equation she tried to give doesn’t make sense to her; she now looked at Roger’s questions again briefly. [...]
(Jane doesn’t know what Bainbridge means, whether it is Roger’s mother’s maiden name, a place, or what. [...]
(As of now, however, I’d say that she doesn’t have much inclination to do so. [...]
Crisis Points, the Mechanics of Self-Healing, and the Psyche.
False Sympathy
Often the patient doesn’t want to get well, and the doctor knows it.
[...] She’d written the dreams down, as usual, while wondering about their significance without being able to explain them: “But this material doesn’t go into Adventures,” she noted after one of the dreams, since she’d thought of that possibility first.
[...] She doesn’t know how she gets around; for instance, she will find herself doing something without knowing how or why she started it.
[...] This is still evocative material, even though she doesn’t know whether Seth will use any of it in his book: “For a ‘Power Chapter’: Each person has his or her own ‘psychic territory of power’ which is not to be relinquished,” she wrote. [...] People confuse this with power over their environment, or others, then wonder why power over doesn’t work….
[...] I imagined the different ways magazines like The National Enquirer could trick someone into giving an interview to start with, and turn people against each other, (Carol Burnett is suing that paper—the story was in the news lately.) From there some wild stuff that doesn’t make sense now, with strange things happening to my chair pillow as I sat on it.... [...]
(“This doesn’t mean we’re avoiding the problem, does it?”)
[...] In recent days I’ve finally realized that she often doesn’t hear me speak in an average voice—especially so when she isn’t looking at me. At first I thought the dry air in the house during the winter was responsible, since for a while I thought I was having trouble hearing her—but this doesn’t seem to really apply. [...]