“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

To some extent, he tried to emulate their behavior—that is, to behave the way they did, while at the same time he intently pursued a rather adventuresome inner psychic existence. That existence was expressed in the personality, but not in the normal conversation with the boys he dated, or with his friends. In early years, the church did serve as a structure. When he left it, however, he was without such a structure, and when he did discuss such matters with the priests, they often had more pragmatic sexual interests in mind.

He did not want to be put in the position in which he felt he had to put his self-respect on the line. He did not like the public aspects that he felt confronted him. There was no ready fellowship in the psychic field, in which he felt he could take part. At the same time he felt that he should indeed go abroad—out into the public arena, and that he was cowardly for not doing so.

The mystic is primarily concerned with a one-point relationship to the universe. Ruburt used to feel as a child threatened by crowds. He did not like to sit close to others. The two of you maintain a psychic distance from others, even your closest friends. In a way the symptoms are a statement of the distance Ruburt wanted to maintain from public life, because he felt equally that he should go out into the world in a public manner, and “tackle it.”