“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

To some extent, he tried to emulate their behavior—that is, to behave the way they did, while at the same time he intently pursued a rather adventuresome inner psychic existence. That existence was expressed in the personality, but not in the normal conversation with the boys he dated, or with his friends. In early years, the church did serve as a structure. When he left it, however, he was without such a structure, and when he did discuss such matters with the priests, they often had more pragmatic sexual interests in mind.

He became quite good at expressing this inner life regardless of other circumstances, and the situation at home, and he understood that it was at odds with what was expected. It was the most vital area of his life, so quite on his own he decided that he would forgo motherhood and a conventional family life.

His fear of the spontaneous self originally developed simply because that self seemed so different from other people that he tried to keep it within bounds. He tried to tie it to writing alone, which was the closest approximation he could make to creative conventional activity, while still allowing himself expression. His own abilities, again, kept working through all of the frameworks, however, and none of them could content him.

In other periods, for example, there were acceptable frameworks through which mystics expressed themselves, and most cultures have such avenues. In times of transition the old avenues no longer serve. Ruburt has no exterior framework to judge his subjective experience against, for even when he was in the church his experience did not fit the mold.