“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

His mother banked upon her femininity, or so it seemed, stressing what Ruburt thought of as feminine wiles. That approach had not worked with Ruburt’s mother, who recognized Ruburt’s writing ability at least, and tried to encourage it. The mother however also overstressed the importance of a formal education as a quite bloodthirsty method of surviving in a hostile world. This meant that a certain conformity to official culture was maintained.

Yet to Ruburt’s mother, if you were a woman you either banked as she had on that femininity, and used it as a tool, or you became educated. Education meant that the feminine nature must be controlled. She was deadly frightened that Ruburt might have a child and not finish school. She also felt that Ruburt was a poor woman to begin with, in a way, because the intellect and femininity did not seem to mix—that is, Ruburt’s mother considered them odd components.

Education was a practical tool. Ruburt sought out men who would not insist upon children. This also meant that they had certain slants of mind. These slants fit in with his artistic purposes as he understood them. Because he considered himself a writer, and because he considered a writer something different from a woman, it was difficult for him to realize that he was both.

Childbirth might fulfill a woman and destroy a writer. Economically it might also destroy the artist who was the woman’s husband. To have a child might help fulfill the man she was married to, but this could destroy the artist she was married to. Conflicts then arose.

The abilities quickly grew out of any conventional surroundings. They were to be protected at all costs. Ruburt expected her husband, the man, to show spontaneous love and affection, and to supply emotional richness, which she was willing to nurture—but she expected the artist—who happened to be her husband—to protect himself from any emotional response that might interfere with his work.

None of this would particularly show in terms of symptoms until Ruburt began to sell. Then the tool was perfected. The abilities were put to the purpose of protecting him from the hostile world, serving as economic sustenance. It became his duty to repress spontaneous feelings that might lead him astray. Before, those found expression in his dealings with the outside world—but those dealings, he felt, were no longer necessary.

Now all of this was built upon certain levels of consciousness and beliefs—a unifying structure. As mentioned, in the past at least your actions were ambiguous enough to fit in. The environment at 458 was safe. Ruburt was there working—just as the doctors and insurance men and dentists were. The move here (to 1730) was a good one, because it exploded that framework. Your suggestions of late are taking effect. There are significant muscular changes. The summer, with its implications of vacation, was added, however, as he knew it would be; so the structure of working was further evaded, it seemed particularly by warm weather, which inclination did not happen to fit his ideas of scheduled work.

He further unstructured, shaking up his consciousness by not sleeping. Clearly, he saw that he worked or slept, and allowed himself little freedom between. Lest he be tempted by his new house, he felt poorly, even for him, yet he saw through what he was doing, and he has begun an awakening of consciousness that is now in the process. Last night’s dreams show this. He awakened from the nightmare of immobility, and found himself on “the road to freedom” with you. I want a Wednesday night session, if you do not mind—