“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(This is the first session since the deleted one of January 7, which was held just before the script for Personal Reality came back to us. Since then Jane has become noticeably worse in her symptoms. Today she told me that she had become very frightened. I had noticed the changes, of course, and became very despairing. Today I described the question in my mind as I fell asleep last night: With such a situation developing, why hadn’t she at least asked—let alone demanded—sessions, in order to find out what was going on? Of course I often have such thoughts, and have often been completely baffled by her behavior in this regard; I said I thought the fact that we were busy—even more so than usual—should have nothing to do with holding off on such a need. I also said I must have responsibility for her symptoms in ways I still don’t understand.)

Both of you have seen yourselves in the past in a rather specialized light, and interpreted your success, or lack of it, or progress or lack of it, in one particular area only; and you had at least, each of you, a tendency to view the other in the same manner, though this was far more emphasized on Ruburt’s part. So you thought of yourself as an artist, primarily, and judged your success, or lack of it, through that focus, and generally through that focus only.

Ruburt saw himself as a writer, and judged himself through that focus, and other accomplishments that did not rigidly adhere to that focus were not considered successes, or even were jealously regarded as detriments. It is far more obvious now in Ruburt’s case than in your own. Because of this, however, he was never sure whether or not you resented the time spent in this work—the sessions.

Viewing you as he viewed himself, using the same logic, he was afraid however that basically you felt our work a detriment to your own, and that its success, while pleasing you on the one hand, might prevent you from success as an artist because you would not have the time, and that you would basically resent it. You always encouraged him in our work, and he knew this. Still, your part in it conflicted with his ideas of you and what you wanted.

You are each far more consciously aware consciously of the course you have chosen, individually and together, than you realize. All along the way there were many choices that each of you made, leading to your present position. As you mentioned following your parents’ deaths, there was a sense of aloneness. It is because Ruburt always felt that aloneness that he has in his own way tried to serve both of your purposes at the same time. (I felt bad for Jane’s aloneness.)

He wanted you to have what you wanted to have. He considered your painting—and much that he has done has been on your behalf as well as his own. It may seem, as you say, that he did not take your feelings into consideration—as no man wants, on that level, to see his wife at all incapacitated. But in his own way, and no matter how misguided, he was trying to pace himself and his temperament with yours, to play up those mental writing abilities that would help his career, and in which you took such pride—and while doing that, play down qualities that might distract you from your own work, by encouraging physical activities—parties, vacations, travelings, that would further take up your time, when you were already taking time away from your art to help him in psychic work.

The concentration would also provide financial fruits. He would not be making money for both of you that would enable you to paint, etc., but losing it, if he allowed himself the freedom to run all over the place, take vacations, etc. He thought he was buying you time, and for himself as well.

Some of this he is aware of, but all of it was based upon the specializations, the private focuses through which both of you have a tendency to view your lives. You, Joseph, are beloved by many people you do not know. You have enriched their lives, through the notes, through your part in our work. People who are strangers to you consciously feel better because you exist. That is the kind of success that matters.

(Yes. I was somewhat surprised. For some reason this rather obvious connection had escaped me. I don’t know about Jane.)