“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

It is all there is black and white, including suggestions in the sexual area, why it would be advantageous, the various emotional points of resistance that would appear during such encounters, and their significance, and much more.

I initiated programs. The importance of some of these was that Ruburt would feel simply that you were taking an active intimate interest, and lending a positive (underlined) hand.

In the face of this he threw even greater determination into his work and his “success” (in quotes), to make up for what he felt as other deficiencies. All areas became therefore more sensitive. Blame was projected by him upon other areas, because only when he allowed his thoughts to really surface would he blame you in any way. And when he did he felt guilty because he knew that you did (underlined) love him.

He felt that for all your talk you wanted him to discipline spontaneity in a way basically impossible for him, that to release it in physical terms would mean two dangers: You would find him unbearable; and his sexuality released, would then demand fulfillment. He feared he would look elsewhere. You schooled yourself not to display emotion of a warm, spontaneous, happy nature, and he needs that kind of display.

The symptoms were also a protection. He was trying to hold back, so as not to be rearroused by promises only to be turned off again as you withdrew. There is a connection of course with his mother’s reaction, simply a habit pattern where she would tell Ruburt she loved him, and then in Ruburt’s eyes be cruel.

The words meant little. On the other hand he almost would have settled for the words. The balance for him changed. Where you two had been emotionally allied, he felt you were on the other side. As he must watch himself before the world, he must watch himself before you.

You were the one who could really hurt him if he let go, by your rejection of his emotional dimensions, he felt. He felt you only accepted certain portions of him. Others would not be accepted, and you would run from them.

The body cried out to be touched. It said “I am not being nourished.” He kept trying to get your attention with the symptoms while using them to protect himself at the same time, unless he saw signs of the particular warmth and acceptance he needed. He felt he could not afford to let the symptoms go unless he was willing to give you up entirely, and he would not do that.

All of this has been given, Joseph. He watched and waited to see if you would bring in his rackets when I suggested it—to him a symbol that you would tolerate frivolity in terms of such a game.

He did not think you wanted him to be free of symptoms, because he thought that then you would be faced with problems of emotionalism that you wished to avoid at all costs.

Whenever he began to improve some of these issues would become quite clear and obvious. On some ways the two apartments, he felt, were an honest symbol of your relationship. When he annoyed you by thrashing about in bed, this was of course what the thrashing about in bed was supposed to do—remind you of his presence there.

He felt you did not want him to get well, because you would then have these problems to consider, and they bothered you. On one hand then, he did not want you to have to contend with them, particularly if he could take the tension. There was however simultaneously great resentment: “How sick do I have to get before you will come back to me, and how can I be sure of it?”