“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Now: Much of the information, and the most pertinent part, is buried in your files—I tried to give the data in various ways, although it was quite definitely given also in terms of the physical relationship several times; and only at one particular period did you try to take advantage of it.

I initiated programs. The importance of some of these was that Ruburt would feel simply that you were taking an active intimate interest, and lending a positive (underlined) hand.

In the face of this he threw even greater determination into his work and his “success” (in quotes), to make up for what he felt as other deficiencies. All areas became therefore more sensitive. Blame was projected by him upon other areas, because only when he allowed his thoughts to really surface would he blame you in any way. And when he did he felt guilty because he knew that you did (underlined) love him.

Self-protection kept you from doing so. Your love for him in the beginning was strong enough to release you to some degree, so he knew it was in you. He felt it, and he was furious after the taste of it to have it for any reason withheld.

As he told you, he fought for it. You had arguments and reconciliations. After a point his stubbornness was aroused, and he felt that you wanted him to beg for what should be his. Now all the connecting material has been given, and presented in different ways.

The symptoms were also a protection. He was trying to hold back, so as not to be rearroused by promises only to be turned off again as you withdrew. There is a connection of course with his mother’s reaction, simply a habit pattern where she would tell Ruburt she loved him, and then in Ruburt’s eyes be cruel.

The body cried out to be touched. It said “I am not being nourished.” He kept trying to get your attention with the symptoms while using them to protect himself at the same time, unless he saw signs of the particular warmth and acceptance he needed. He felt he could not afford to let the symptoms go unless he was willing to give you up entirely, and he would not do that.

Whenever he began to improve some of these issues would become quite clear and obvious. On some ways the two apartments, he felt, were an honest symbol of your relationship. When he annoyed you by thrashing about in bed, this was of course what the thrashing about in bed was supposed to do—remind you of his presence there.

He felt you did not want him to get well, because you would then have these problems to consider, and they bothered you. On one hand then, he did not want you to have to contend with them, particularly if he could take the tension. There was however simultaneously great resentment: “How sick do I have to get before you will come back to me, and how can I be sure of it?”

This was still however you see quite selfish, in that you are the person he wants. He was willing to do it. He is not looking for an endless adolescent love affair, but in his terms (underlined) the simple emotional creature love, support, that he felt you must, because of your nature, largely withhold.

He tried to show you his love, but finally he became ashamed of needing you, and felt even that you thought less of him because of it. It bothered and annoyed you, since it was a demand, and he did not believe in demands, and one that brought problems up within you.

The reincarnational material given in the bedroom over there one night was also a statement of that nature—the night in which Ruburt related to you as the priestess-prostitute you visited.

(11:25. Jane’s trance had been good. “I’m about as weak as water,” she said. “Not only that, I feel like throwing up.” She didn’t, but she definitely felt sick. I told her it was because of the data in the session. We had asked for the session yesterday, in light of what had come to the surface regarding our problems in previous days this week. We felt we had learned much.