“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

In the face of this he threw even greater determination into his work and his “success” (in quotes), to make up for what he felt as other deficiencies. All areas became therefore more sensitive. Blame was projected by him upon other areas, because only when he allowed his thoughts to really surface would he blame you in any way. And when he did he felt guilty because he knew that you did (underlined) love him.

He felt that for all your talk you wanted him to discipline spontaneity in a way basically impossible for him, that to release it in physical terms would mean two dangers: You would find him unbearable; and his sexuality released, would then demand fulfillment. He feared he would look elsewhere. You schooled yourself not to display emotion of a warm, spontaneous, happy nature, and he needs that kind of display.

As he told you, he fought for it. You had arguments and reconciliations. After a point his stubbornness was aroused, and he felt that you wanted him to beg for what should be his. Now all the connecting material has been given, and presented in different ways.

The symptoms were also a protection. He was trying to hold back, so as not to be rearroused by promises only to be turned off again as you withdrew. There is a connection of course with his mother’s reaction, simply a habit pattern where she would tell Ruburt she loved him, and then in Ruburt’s eyes be cruel.

You were the one who could really hurt him if he let go, by your rejection of his emotional dimensions, he felt. He felt you only accepted certain portions of him. Others would not be accepted, and you would run from them.

All of this has been given, Joseph. He watched and waited to see if you would bring in his rackets when I suggested it—to him a symbol that you would tolerate frivolity in terms of such a game.

Whenever he began to improve some of these issues would become quite clear and obvious. On some ways the two apartments, he felt, were an honest symbol of your relationship. When he annoyed you by thrashing about in bed, this was of course what the thrashing about in bed was supposed to do—remind you of his presence there.

This was still however you see quite selfish, in that you are the person he wants. He was willing to do it. He is not looking for an endless adolescent love affair, but in his terms (underlined) the simple emotional creature love, support, that he felt you must, because of your nature, largely withhold.

To compensate he realized that you gave all you could, that you were his partner in work, in seriousness and in important endeavors (underlined), but he wanted touches, and because of his nature reassurances.

He tried to show you his love, but finally he became ashamed of needing you, and felt even that you thought less of him because of it. It bothered and annoyed you, since it was a demand, and he did not believe in demands, and one that brought problems up within you.

Your lack of verbal communication of your exact feelings, plus your learned facility for facially expressing disapproval, only allowed him to reinforce his ideas.