“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

In the face of this he threw even greater determination into his work and his “success” (in quotes), to make up for what he felt as other deficiencies. All areas became therefore more sensitive. Blame was projected by him upon other areas, because only when he allowed his thoughts to really surface would he blame you in any way. And when he did he felt guilty because he knew that you did (underlined) love him.

He felt that for all your talk you wanted him to discipline spontaneity in a way basically impossible for him, that to release it in physical terms would mean two dangers: You would find him unbearable; and his sexuality released, would then demand fulfillment. He feared he would look elsewhere. You schooled yourself not to display emotion of a warm, spontaneous, happy nature, and he needs that kind of display.

Self-protection kept you from doing so. Your love for him in the beginning was strong enough to release you to some degree, so he knew it was in you. He felt it, and he was furious after the taste of it to have it for any reason withheld.

As he told you, he fought for it. You had arguments and reconciliations. After a point his stubbornness was aroused, and he felt that you wanted him to beg for what should be his. Now all the connecting material has been given, and presented in different ways.

The symptoms were also a protection. He was trying to hold back, so as not to be rearroused by promises only to be turned off again as you withdrew. There is a connection of course with his mother’s reaction, simply a habit pattern where she would tell Ruburt she loved him, and then in Ruburt’s eyes be cruel.

The words meant little. On the other hand he almost would have settled for the words. The balance for him changed. Where you two had been emotionally allied, he felt you were on the other side. As he must watch himself before the world, he must watch himself before you.

You were the one who could really hurt him if he let go, by your rejection of his emotional dimensions, he felt. He felt you only accepted certain portions of him. Others would not be accepted, and you would run from them.

All of this has been given, Joseph. He watched and waited to see if you would bring in his rackets when I suggested it—to him a symbol that you would tolerate frivolity in terms of such a game.

He did not think you wanted him to be free of symptoms, because he thought that then you would be faced with problems of emotionalism that you wished to avoid at all costs.

He felt you did not want him to get well, because you would then have these problems to consider, and they bothered you. On one hand then, he did not want you to have to contend with them, particularly if he could take the tension. There was however simultaneously great resentment: “How sick do I have to get before you will come back to me, and how can I be sure of it?”

He tried to show you his love, but finally he became ashamed of needing you, and felt even that you thought less of him because of it. It bothered and annoyed you, since it was a demand, and he did not believe in demands, and one that brought problems up within you.

Your lack of verbal communication of your exact feelings, plus your learned facility for facially expressing disapproval, only allowed him to reinforce his ideas.