“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

It believes it works for the good. It mistrusts all spontaneity. It believes the personality must be toned down, held in bonds, slowed down, or else the wrath of God will descend upon it. It is not rational.

The physical not-being-able-to-run, the slowing of motions, are all physical manifestations. This is the Irish grandmother, the mother, and the neighborhood shouting: Jane, do not run. Though consciously disobeying as a child, the suggestions took deep root. Spontaneity was evil.

The spontaneous ran out of control. This has something to do with the mother’s talking to the child about the father. He was uncontrolled— uncontrollable, lax, slow, and yet evil. The father had money and was evil. The poor were virtuous and on the side of God. The rich would never attain heaven. This is Ruburt’s penance, you see, put upon him by this other part of his personality. If he succeeds he must pay, for if he does not pay, if he does not willingly submit to his own punishment, then there is eternal damnation.

If this were the whole personality this would be no problem. He would avoid success like a plague. He would have been successful long before this. However the other portion of the personality is spontaneous, highly gifted, creative, intuitive, and loves luxury. This last being deeply hidden from the conscious personality.

Running is symbolic. He could run, his mother could not. She was evil. But if he is successful, then he believes he will be successful when he does not deserve it. Therefore evil also, and so he shall not run; running being symbolic of spontaneity. If he gives himself emotional and psychic freedom, then to compensate he will deny himself physical freedom. I have been a safeguard, for I was between him and complete spontaneity, you see.

The difficulties began with the selling of the first paperback and were accentuated later. The development of abilities and the ESP book represented an effort by the spontaneous self to express itself, for this other portion of the personality was ready then to take over, and it then retaliated with the beginning of symptoms.

When this portion is operating he does not dare enjoy the pleasures of love. No one in his neighborhood did, you see. (Pause.) He denies himself then out of fear. When he succeeds he punishes himself. When he fails the other, spontaneous, self rises up in arms. The two warring factions have been beating him apart.

When the overconscientious portion is made to understand that the spontaneous self is good, then the problem will cease.

The psychic classes have been of help for this reason. The overconscientious portion always trusted the spontaneous self as far as poetry was concerned, but distrusted spontaneity otherwise.

Success as a poet would present no difficulties. The overconscientious self was not about to permit the spontaneous self this new freedom, however. The early philosophical poetry represented a philosophy of pessimism. Stripped to its core, it was the good-or-suffer-damnation world.

The later poetry represented joy and the psychic work spontaneity. Yet a reconciliation is possible. The overconscientious self must be shown that the spontaneous self is the God self. If this is done it will add its strength to the purposes of the spontaneous self. Otherwise it will fight the spontaneous self, even to the death. It disapproves of anything it does not consider godly.

There is no reason why it will not listen, however, and gladly. Because of its very nature it wants to attach itself to, and work for, what it considers the good. It has been held within severe limitations and working under a false premise. It is trying to restrain Ruburt from doing that which is wrong. As it realizes through re-education that the spontaneous self is good, the sense of unworthiness will vanish. (Pause.)

It has believed from the beginning that spontaneity was sinful. This was the misinterpretation given in early training.

It then set itself up against the spontaneous self, and determined to keep it within bounds. Success is taboo for the unworthy only, you see. When the overconscientious self learns that the spontaneous self is not unworthy, then success is permissible.

It has. When it realizes that the spontaneous self is a god-self, then it will actively help Ruburt.

It is a relatively new idea to the overconscientious self, that the spontaneous self is good and a part of the god self. When this is completely seen there will be an integration of personality that will result in powerful work, and a definite unchallenged success.

Both. Particularly on his own. The Father Ryan influence—and he also had back trouble. Father Doren was seen as a spontaneous but evil man. Father Ryan was seen as rigid and uncompromising, but good. Father Ryan gave Ruburt his first typewriter, and desk, and bed. Now do you see those connections?