Feelings of violence accumulated early, but in his family there were no acceptable ways of releasing normal aggressive feelings. When these built up into felt, violent eruptions, Augustus was only the more convinced of his unacceptable nature. For some time in his normal state as a teenager, he tried harder and harder to be “good.” [...] Considerable energy was used to inhibit these portions of his inner experience. [...] They increased in intensity and were kept apart from his “safer” usual thoughts.

In his normal state he accepted only the beliefs he considered were expected of him. As mentioned (in the 628th session in Chapter Six), there was a time before his condition developed when his “good-self thoughts” and his “bad-self thoughts” vied for his attention, and the body tried desperately to react to constant, alternating and often contradictory concepts.

In his normal condition Augustus thought of his own powerlessness — for he had denied himself normal aggressive action — and felt this weak. [...] A balance was maintained that suited his purposes.

[...] Such repeated remarks, with other childhood conditions, made him afraid of his own mental activity. He also felt unworthy, so how could his thoughts be good?

[...] He bowed his dark head for just a moment then lifted it, those soft eyes now … softer and harder at the same time; his hands moved in rhythm with the music; his whole body was a marvel of motion; shoulders, head, arms, chest — his whole trunk, responding to the music. Then at his command, four silver dollars disappeared through the tabletop and he caught them underneath in the palm of his hands. [...] He was in a trance of his own; so were Rob and I, watching. And in the back of his mind was the improbable hope that one day, somehow, the coins would really go through the tabletop. [...]

[...] Both his eyes and his hands were really too expressive for a scientist’s, and he tried to be a scientist even when he was being a magician — perhaps then most of all.

[...] We hadn’t known that Gramacy was a scientist until he told us that night, and it was as a magician rather than as a scientist that Seth addressed him, telling him to trust his dramatic and imaginative flair.

[...]

In his efforts to understand and help your parents he has more than made up for any failure with his mother. [...] Others more capable have taken over the same role with his mother. [...]

For years, literally, it was hammered into Ruburt’s subconscious that he was not worthy of any kind of success, and that he would be punished for his treatment of his mother.

[...] His mother let it be known that she had no use for him, and he thought if his mother could not love him, then certainly there must be something seriously wrong and unworthy about him.

[...] While he struggled (to succeed), these did not cause him noticeable difficulty, though they operated underground, impeding his progress. [...]

Riding the creative energies in that manner, you see, would allow him to recognize his own rhythm, flow and ebb. When his mind was tired it would automatically signal the body to physical activity, walks, changed environment, and so forth. [...]

The condition itself, then, and his attitude toward it, have complicated issues. There are a variety actually of methods that can help him—various ones at different times, according to his circumstances.

While these suggestions may appear on the surface quite different from others I have given, if you look closely you will see that they are another method of encouraging spontaneity, and methods most suited now to his circumstances. In a weekly period, for example (rather than a daily one), these suggestions if followed will show him his own rhythms and patterns, so that he may feel like going out impulsively because he wants to, after a bout of writing, rather than feel that he “should.”

[...] When, as he will, he recovers his flexibility, then he is talking as someone who has overcome, and had something to overcome. It is easy to say that he has maligned his body, but the entire personality is body and mind and all, and the body itself has learned some comprehensions and joys also, having to do with sense appreciation, that some people never physically, now, experience. [...]

[...] His love of machinery was his attempt, his strongest attempt, to make his being physical. [...]

[...] It is true that in the past he would often block personal comments, but he had simply not developed enough to overcome his own nervousness, his own emotional state.

Often I answer his questions without mentioning that they had been in his mind. [...]

[...] He (pause) gathered his energies together and is waiting, but part of his energies were given to the son of Ruth (my first cousin).

[...] He used his writing to hold back and yet contain his innate psychic knowledge. He disapproved of his own dancing, sometimes even of his sexual yearnings. [...] He would through the years begin to approve of spontaneity in one more area—spontaneity in class, for example—or with Sumari poetry, or in finally approving his own psychic writings. [...]

You both chafed against the belief of your times, that man was a natural aggressor, tainted from birth, that he was damned by his very nature, condemned by his early childhood background, by original sin, or by his genes. [...]

[...] He was not identified with his failures or limitations, but instead with his potential.

[...] Ruburt then used and enjoyed his spontaneity, and has been developing it along the lines of his understanding. [...]

The person, therefore, often “cannot live up to his art.” Ruburt wants to embody his art. He expects himself to possess all of the qualities that his art tries to entice from human nature. [...] That is his reasoning. If he is gifted with words in writing, and gifted in speech, then he feels that he should go out bravely into the public arena, and speak out his message to the world.

[...] A king could travel through his own lands and not be recognized if he wanted it that way, for no television screen flashed his image into the homes of his people. [...]

[...] When his battery shop closed and the public turned to the new inventions, that made his livelihood passe. He disliked the public from that moment on, and felt resentful toward those whose pictures he took, that his livelihood would be at the expense of their favor.

Ruburt decided to brazen it through—to do his thing and be paid for it. [...] He hoped for the world’s approval, for he knew his work was good. [...]

It is true that his beliefs are also responsible for the fact that he can experience such alterations to begin with. While his beliefs are partially responsible for his astonishing facility, once in various altered states he is in a kind of free-wheeling situation as far as physical reality is concerned. [...]

[...] Ruburt believes in his inner agility. [...] His intentness then is translated or transferred away from the normal environment.

[...] It would help if at those levels he imagined his body as plastoid, always in a state of change, as fluid as his thoughts, and not so much a physical thing. [...]

[...] When Ruburt utilizes other focuses and turns his consciousness in other than directly-physical areas, when he turns several angles away, then to some extent (underlined) he frees himself to some degree from beliefs, but certainly from their effects. [...]

[...] It seemed to Ruburt, with his understanding, that if his information was coming from a paranormal source, and that source was good, then it must also prove itself to be infallible, or he was a false prophet. He also felt accused by you, believing that if he was using his abilities really fully, as you wanted him to, then there would have been a way provided so the woman would not die.

At the same time he was feeling that he would not be a great writer either, you were telling him he was using only about a tenth of his abilities, and so in both areas he was not living up to his expectations or yours, to his way of seeing. [...]

[...] My mother, who now lives with Dick and his wife and family, made the trip back with Jane and me as far as the parking lot at Enfield Glen, Ithaca, where we met my other brother, Loren. [...] She is to spend a couple of weeks with Loren and his wife Betts before returning to Rochester.

I want Ruburt to read his last session daily (of August 2, 1972). [...] He has made an attempt however to follow the suggestions, and this has given him some pointers about his subjective state of mind. [...]

I will tell you this (pause, eyes open):Neither of you realize as yet the full extent of Ruburt’s inner change of mind, his commitment now to our work, the commitment of his abilities to these matters for his lifetime.

They will be fully developed best, easiest, in dealing with this material and through his poetry. [...] He will work out the best way of doing this, for it will be a natural development, an alchemy, resulting from the nature of his own writing talents, which are considerable, his own intuitions, and the material. [...]

He does not as yet consciously know the extent of his changed attitude. His body knows. [...]

[...] The murderer kills no one, yet if his intent is to do so then he must face the consequences of his intent. [...]

[...] Ruburt knew that the adventure required a finesse, a juggling of realities, and he felt a maturity or wisdom that his years had not given him. There were also goals of his own. [...]

Ruburt not only had his intents, but your own in mind. To that extent he could not be content until he felt that your goals as well as his own were being met.

[...] The poetry is an excellent merging of his metaphysical interests and his art. [...]

[...] Ruburt must forget his book deadline. Let him think simply of Politics and its ideas and reality—then his experiences and the book will flow once again.

[...] And it was to prevent his being given such a title that I suggested that he leave the gallery. His ego satisfaction, which is so hungry, and his actual need for finances, should be satisfied and could be through his writing, as I told you.

[...] You both can and should learn to utilize your energies in the same manner that Ruburt utilizes his energies during a session. His fatigue is not only forgotten, but he is no longer fatigued although his working day was personally exhausting.

(Lately, since his return from Cape Cod, Bill has had a few twinges in his lung, a mild return of the trouble dealt with by Seth in some detail in the 56th session, May 25, 1964, page 110. [...]

[...] 2 in which plans “may be born at that date which will affect his participation in his professional field.” [...]

[...] That new concentration will take his attention away from the healing process, so that it can continue unimpeded. For a while there was no other issue to take his concentration away.

[...] The reinforcement of these ideas is all that is necessary; the trust that he is on his way to complete flexibility—that is, normal flexibility. He must continue to trust himself, and his dream activity and those periods of relaxation.

[...] He is not concentrating upon the symptoms—but he is trying to watch his progress with too heavy a hand, if he will forgive the murky analogy.

[...] Now he is free to work joyfully on Aspects, without the old “poisoned drive”—that is, he will be working because he wants to, and not because he feels his existence is dependent upon it.

Had he left the gallery when his novel was published, he would by now have one and a half times his present income from writing. That is, his yearly income would exceed what it is now.

He was, and is, afraid of commitment to his own work, much less mine. [...] His energy, Joseph, and his ability to project ideas into material construction, is truly astounding; and with your help we must tap it.

[...] His name and address will be furnished on request. The man was 54 years old actually, and his “prickly hair” turned out to be a brush cut. [...] The man is from New York City, and was spending a week in Provincetown to “get away from his wife and family.”

My suggestion will be, therefore, that Ruburt do his own work in the mornings. [...] Seriously, as he does with his own work, and that you continue to record our sessions.

(Jimmy of course related to Marian his thoughts about seeing his father’s apparition. Doing a little figuring concerning the time, he arrived at the conclusion that Marian had had her experience at approximately the same time he had been standing in back of his mother’s house, thinking about his father. Jimmy speculated that perhaps Marian had received a message from his father, in answer to his wish, even though he, Jimmy, had seen or heard nothing.

[...] His profile was to me. [...] His complexion was ruddy, his hair had a reddish tinge. [...] I also recall a small pencil drawing Bill has done of his father in a similar position, but from a full-face angle.)

[...] Shortly after 1 AM he took a waitress to her home in his Jeep. With him he also had some fresh tomatoes, and with these he stopped at his mother’s home while on his way back to the club.

Upon another occasion however, we will discuss your relationship with him and his wife, and the rather bizarre circumstances that surround the man and his youngest son.

[...] His characteristics, for example, were seemingly quite different from those of the historical Christ. [...] Yet some exploits of his in his earlier life have been attributed to Christ — not as a young man, but earlier.

[...] A new era will indeed begin — not, now, a heaven on earth, but a far more sane and just world, in which man is far more aware of his relationship with his planet and of his freedom within time.

[...] His message will be that of the individual in relation to All That Is. He will clearly state methods by which each individual can attain a state of intimate contact with his own entity; the entity to some extent being man’s mediator with All That Is.

[...] One such man has already been born in India, in a small province near Calcutta, but his ministry will seem to remain comparatively local for his lifetime.

Because he has not built up the good trust of his body, however, any new discomfort, regardless of origin, alarms him—an alarm that causes him to tense his muscles, withhold his weight, become hesitant—actions that of course themselves bring about stress, and prolong what should be a fairly minor adjustment. [...] Whenever you can, again, honestly comment upon an improvement, now upon his appearance, or on a physical accomplishment, do so, for he needs the reinforcement there. [...]

He learned something important, working with his attitudes this weekend in the bathroom, when he realized that he held back his weight when he put his feet on the floor. [...]

I gave you the same material when we discussed Framework 2, so Ruburt must begin to minimize impediments in his mind. [...] He can begin to change the focus from which he usually views his reality, in whatever way possible, and in the point of power as I suggested. [...]

[...] Hips, knees, legs and feet are all involved, and to a lesser extent the upper portions of his body. [...]

[...] (Pause; smile.) I feel indeed like a merry old gentleman, sitting here with his cronies. [...] If you do not want me to go booming through him for hours then I suggest that you call his name three times. [...]

(John Bradley was a witness to the session, and had some questions about his job with Searle, and events within the company. [...]

[...] He is not in a position to, and his own position has changed. [...]

([John:] “In his place?”)

[...] He took no responsibility for his image. [...] The taste of limited success whetted his appetite during your tour. [...]

A side point here, but with some reference: his mother always told him that he would destroy those he loved, and he feared that any success of his might show you up if you had not achieved your own. [...]

[...] It also represented a slowdown in the activity from Prentice, in that he feels that if Tam were really interested in his book he would keep better track of it.

[...] In a chaotic world of twisted reasoning he thinks his symptoms will take your mind off your own problems, and relieve you to some extent. [...]

[...] (Pause at 10:05.) He makes an evening visit to his office, and perhaps has coffee in the cafeteria. [...] There is some confusion in his mind as to whether or not he can be with us in time, and his thoughts dwell on the matter.

[...] He is in his office late. The phone call may have to do with his wife. [...] He is inside his house.

(Last Monday noon, October 18, our friend John Bradley visited us while making his rounds as a traveling drug salesman. [...] During the day on Tuesday, John had to attend an important business meeting of his regional office in Binghamton, NY, perhaps sixty miles from Elmira.

In his dream he is also aware that these people like him, and that in some manner he has been acquainted with them in the past. [...] They were images of the men whose voices spoke to him in his earlier dream, when he was so frightened; and when he leaped so gracefully from the banister, I was the one who extended an arm to assist him.