“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(This morning I received a very upsetting phone call from Jeff Karder. He too is upset that Jane is obviously much more uncomfortable these days than she used to be — than two months ago, say. He doesn’t want her to suffer. Jeff doesn’t suggest antibiotics at this time, but told me that the ulcers on Jane’s right knee and left hand won’t heal themselves, and that the new swelling on the top of her right shoulder may turn into another such area. [It didn’t.] Jane has a traveling infection, he believes, and he hopes it doesn’t get into her bloodstream. I’ve suspected the same thing. Jeff said an operation would be needed on the knee to correct the condition.

(In interpreting those passages, I saw that Jane would have died, given her own choice, a couple of years ago, but her plan was interfered with by me and the hospital personnel. Although she obviously played a vital part in keeping herself alive, I believe that that action came after her own natural, chosen time of death had been subverted. She changed her mind, in other words. Otherwise, nothing would have kept her alive, no treatment of any sort.

(I was also angry that Jane hadn’t allowed anything to come through in sessions about herself for some time. I think this means that her sinful self, or whatever, has once again clamped down. It doesn’t want her to recover. The great question, then, is why those portions of the self would — and do — continue their terribly destructive ways, even to the point of bringing about their own death — for if allowed to, I think, death would be the end result, the final step along their chosen path.

(Yesterday I’d told Jane that I knew her “body was up to something.” But what? I said that I hoped it wasn’t another case of her improving while getting worse — which I used to rant about in years past. We had a long talk. I said I wanted information on whether she wanted to live or die — or whether she was trying to die her own natural death, in line with that excellent information in Mass Events. I wanted to know what her sinful self thought about what it was doing to her body, if it cared, if it even understood that it’s protective actions threatened its own existence. Or was her death the ultimate goal of the sinful self? I said the situation must be a common one. I felt I was onto something here, but wasn’t quite sure what — something close to the more basic human condition that is little understood. I told Jane it would be a joke if those portions of the self we’re blaming for her condition, really are the truest, most simple and honest portions after all, and that their roles in bringing about her natural death were being subverted by our conscious-mind meddling and interference. Just where is the “truth”? I asked.

(The afternoon passed without Jane having a session. She’d cried several times as we talked — mourning most of all, I thought, that she would probably never get home again, see the house and grounds, and so on. I felt like crying myself, for I felt that she was right. She said she was too upset to have a session. I said I wanted stuff on her, not the book. She said she’d been having the longer sessions to get information she could use on herself — that each day she tried to put it to use. News to me. I said maybe she’d been trying too hard. By 4:25 she still hadn’t had a session, and I didn’t think she would.

(After my nap I asked her why she didn’t read more, to keep in touch with the world, and got quite a response from her. She got angry and shouted that she would read more if I wanted her to. I laughed — my first of the day, I said — and told her that she was only saying that because I wanted her to read more — not because she’d suggested that she do so on her own. Later, she did suggest I bring in some reading matter. I told her that Mass Events was still a terrific book. “So why isn’t it a household word?” I asked. No answer.