“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(This morning I received a very upsetting phone call from Jeff Karder. He too is upset that Jane is obviously much more uncomfortable these days than she used to be — than two months ago, say. He doesn’t want her to suffer. Jeff doesn’t suggest antibiotics at this time, but told me that the ulcers on Jane’s right knee and left hand won’t heal themselves, and that the new swelling on the top of her right shoulder may turn into another such area. [It didn’t.] Jane has a traveling infection, he believes, and he hopes it doesn’t get into her bloodstream. I’ve suspected the same thing. Jeff said an operation would be needed on the knee to correct the condition.

(I had many questions after the call, of course. I felt sad for Jane and what was happening to both of us. I also felt angry at the role she’s chosen, even while I thought I understood it, basically. When Jeff called I was reading the last portion of the first session in Jane’s book, The Individual and the Nature of Mass Events — for April 18, 1977, in connection with a note I’m doing for Dreams. The passages are on death and suicide — natural death, no less, and how we continually interfere medically with people’s chosen time of death. Hardly a coincidence, I realized.

(In interpreting those passages, I saw that Jane would have died, given her own choice, a couple of years ago, but her plan was interfered with by me and the hospital personnel. Although she obviously played a vital part in keeping herself alive, I believe that that action came after her own natural, chosen time of death had been subverted. She changed her mind, in other words. Otherwise, nothing would have kept her alive, no treatment of any sort.

(I was also angry that Jane hadn’t allowed anything to come through in sessions about herself for some time. I think this means that her sinful self, or whatever, has once again clamped down. It doesn’t want her to recover. The great question, then, is why those portions of the self would — and do — continue their terribly destructive ways, even to the point of bringing about their own death — for if allowed to, I think, death would be the end result, the final step along their chosen path.

(I’ve also thought for some time that there might be clues to Jane’s seeming dilemmas in reincarnation — which Seth hasn’t gone into at all. This is not permitted.

(The afternoon passed without Jane having a session. She’d cried several times as we talked — mourning most of all, I thought, that she would probably never get home again, see the house and grounds, and so on. I felt like crying myself, for I felt that she was right. She said she was too upset to have a session. I said I wanted stuff on her, not the book. She said she’d been having the longer sessions to get information she could use on herself — that each day she tried to put it to use. News to me. I said maybe she’d been trying too hard. By 4:25 she still hadn’t had a session, and I didn’t think she would.

(We also discussed Jane’s fears that she’d done all she could in this life, and thus was ready to bow out of physical existence. I told her that if she wanted to leave I couldn’t, and wouldn’t try to hold her back, and that I’d never have her hooked up to survival equipment. I wouldn’t want that done to me, either. And all the time we talked I couldn’t help but just miss, just fail to understand exactly why she was doing what she was doing. Nor have I forgotten Seth’s statement a few months ago that basically neither of us have done anything wrong.

(There’s no use going to all the work to present a detailed summary of the complicated series of events that have transpired since June 28. Jane is still very ill. I was surprised when she said she’d try to have a session today. At times her voice was so weak I had to ask her to repeat phrases or words.