“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Rather than go into more detail here, I’ll move to the session, which Jane began quite a bit later. I was surprised that she said she’d have one: “I don’t know whether I can do this, Bob, or how far I’ll get, but I’m going to try …”

(Jane’s Seth voice was average, her delivery good. I thought she carried off the little session very well.)

(Off and on through the afternoon I’d felt like crying, as I’d become more and more sure that Jane was indeed thinking things over. She had a smoke and we talked until about 4:40.

(After I turned her I broke down crying when I tried to tell her how much I loved her. Jane cried too. I couldn’t believe this was happening, even after all of the signs that have accumulated over the years. The import and impact of today’s session made things quite clear.

(Jane ate a little of several things for supper — about as she’s been doing the last few days. This is actually an improvement for her, for since around July 4 she hasn’t taken in any solid food with very few exceptions — and then only a crust, one might say. After watching her behavior as the month passed, I could see that she was indeed starving herself, and would die if she kept it up. She’s lost a great deal of weight; her arms look skeletal — so do her legs to a lesser degree.

(After supper, I learned several things. Jane had been told by the nurses a few days ago that she could have morphine whenever she wanted it; it’s given by injection. She also said that yesterday she resumed taking her thyroid medication, which she’d stopped taking July 4 — the day of that last little session. She also revealed that she hasn’t gone to hydro for three days, and will have to give in and go; she was trying to avoid more pain.

(I asked her if she wanted to try some free association. I said I thought she’d broken that off because she was afraid it wouldn’t work — although I’d thought it showed signs that it was working. I also thought she’d stopped free associating because it had collided with those deeply held beliefs that had led to her physical immobility. I told her that during the last month I’d given up hope, and that she must have, and that her condition was a perfect mirror of that loss for each of us. She seemed to agree.

(And so there it is. Carla called for Jane at 9:15, as I was typing this material. She told me that Jane loved me, and that she was having “a better night.” I asked Carla to give Jane my love. And the fact that my wife is having a better night may mean something, or not … I’d told her this afternoon that I’d been prepared to receive a call from the hospital at any time, telling me to get my ass down there because my wife was failing and the end was near. And Jane smiled and said that she’d been tempted many a time to have me called to come see her, especially late at night.