“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(After lunch today, I showed Jane the last two poems she’s dictated at the hospital — those for July 25 and July 27. Then a little later she told me to turn down the TV and get out my pad. She dictated another.

(Jane said she didn’t want to hear it when I asked her if she wanted me to read it back to her. I told her I liked it, but in retrospect I see that it’s content is far more revealing than I’d first realized. I believe it literally deals with Jane’s questioning over whether to live or die.

(Rather than go into more detail here, I’ll move to the session, which Jane began quite a bit later. I was surprised that she said she’d have one: “I don’t know whether I can do this, Bob, or how far I’ll get, but I’m going to try …”

(I should add that after reading her the poetry and her new dictation, I read her the last three sessions for Seth’s The Way Toward Health, given on June 24, 26, and 27. Jane didn’t ask for these, but left it up to me to pick out something to read.

(Jane’s Seth voice was average, her delivery good. I thought she carried off the little session very well.)

(“That can be the end of the book, you know. Or maybe I’ll do a little more,” Jane said. “Whatever happens, Bob, I’d like all of the material published someday, if it can be done. Not to put a burden on you. Maybe if you can’t do it, you can get some help.”

(“The whole thing,” Jane said. “I don’t know whether I’m going to live or die.” She spoke quite matter-of-factly. “Whatever I’m going to do, I’m going to do.”

(Off and on through the afternoon I’d felt like crying, as I’d become more and more sure that Jane was indeed thinking things over. She had a smoke and we talked until about 4:40.

(Jane said she treasured every day we’d been together throughout our marriage. I did too — and in those 30 years I don’t believe we’d been separated more than four or five days. I said I probably couldn’t publish all of the material by myself. Also that I’d probably not marry again. Jane said I could take up with Sue — although I doubt if Sue would care to do that.

(After I turned her I broke down crying when I tried to tell her how much I loved her. Jane cried too. I couldn’t believe this was happening, even after all of the signs that have accumulated over the years. The import and impact of today’s session made things quite clear.

(After I had her situated on her side, I sat back for my usual nap, but didn’t actually sleep much. I felt terribly sad. Jane had talked about how much she loved nature, and how she wanted to see the house one more time, and the cats. I told her about the four deer — three bucks and a doe — that I’d seen out back this morning, nibbling away in the so-called wildflower garden. Some blood-red poppies are up now.

(Jane ate a little of several things for supper — about as she’s been doing the last few days. This is actually an improvement for her, for since around July 4 she hasn’t taken in any solid food with very few exceptions — and then only a crust, one might say. After watching her behavior as the month passed, I could see that she was indeed starving herself, and would die if she kept it up. She’s lost a great deal of weight; her arms look skeletal — so do her legs to a lesser degree.

(After supper, I learned several things. Jane had been told by the nurses a few days ago that she could have morphine whenever she wanted it; it’s given by injection. She also said that yesterday she resumed taking her thyroid medication, which she’d stopped taking July 4 — the day of that last little session. She also revealed that she hasn’t gone to hydro for three days, and will have to give in and go; she was trying to avoid more pain.

(I’d like to add that while there’s life there’s hope, and that as Seth has said many times, one who doesn’t want to die — as Jane said the other day she didn’t — won’t for any reason. But I told Jane that I couldn’t ask her to do something she didn’t want to do. I added that I wouldn’t want to live under such conditions.

(And so there it is. Carla called for Jane at 9:15, as I was typing this material. She told me that Jane loved me, and that she was having “a better night.” I asked Carla to give Jane my love. And the fact that my wife is having a better night may mean something, or not … I’d told her this afternoon that I’d been prepared to receive a call from the hospital at any time, telling me to get my ass down there because my wife was failing and the end was near. And Jane smiled and said that she’d been tempted many a time to have me called to come see her, especially late at night.

(I love you, Jane, and don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I feel like the latter. I wish you the best, whether you leave or stay. Today’s session says it all, I guess, for it means that better things lie ahead for you — and me — and if that’s the case, what have we got to worry about?