“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

known to me alone.

(One of the first things I learned when I got to 330 today was that Jeff Karder had increased Jane’s dosage of Darvoset to every two hours instead of three. Jane finally told me that she’d had a very rough morning, although during the night she’d mostly done rather well.

(Her talk veered around to the fact that once again she said she was thinking of dying — in her sleep, maybe — in order to get some peace of mind, and to give me some. The pain is really bothering her at times. She talked about how she’d loved life, and the great times we’d had before she got sick, and even after that for a long while. She also said she was surprised her life was ending at such an early age. She told me I’d have a great life after her death, and be free myself.

(She said all of this in that matter-of-fact voice she’d used the last time, that she’d told me similar things about her death, before Seth had said very recently that she wasn’t going to die now, no matter what she thought or said. I kept that in mind. Yet here she was, treating the possibility of death quite seriously again.

(The swelling on her shoulder was up again, but I noticed there was no drainage at all from her knee, nor was there for the rest of the afternoon. Jane said she’d been picturing herself at the old apartments on Water Street [we’d ended up with two], and around town as she used to go — all as though she were taking the last grand tour. When she was finished with all of this she asked me what I thought. I said I didn’t have anything to say. I no longer carry on like I used to, or get mad, and so forth. I could hardly make her do something she didn’t want to do, but I didn’t say that either. If she wanted to die that was it. The hell with it, I thought. I decided — again — that I was through worrying about whether she’d live or die, or whether she was starving herself to death, or whatever.

(I stayed over an extra half hour, trying to help her calm down, and seemed to eventually make some headway there. She asked me if I felt some hope, and I said yes — a strange question coming from someone who’d said earlier that they were strongly thinking of dying!

(I knew my own half-sarcastic remarks about her not letting the body go its own healing way obviously were in response to her earlier talk about dying. I don’t think I overdid what I said — though of course anything like that bothers Jane, even when its true. Then most of all, I suppose — for I express my feelings based upon my interpretation of what I see — I ended up thinking my remarks were the right way to go, for later she told me that I’d expressed some intuitive truths. Who knows — maybe something can be salvaged after all.