“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(That little exchange pretty much sums up our attitudes these days, and Jane’s worsening physical condition. She ate some lunch yesterday, but little supper. Today she ate less lunch. I reminded her that I had to go to the dentist at 4:15. This at once compressed her ideas of the time in which to do anything, although I didn’t feel any pressure. She asked me about the time quite often.

(After a meager lunch she said that last night she got a flash, like an “ear pop,” that she wasn’t going to die at this time. It was very brief but very clear. I’d known she had something to tell me after lunch, but hadn’t expected this. I had absolutely no reaction to the news at all — and at once remembered my total lack of reaction when our lawyer had told me that the insurance business was settled. I was evidently so numb from repeated doses of fear and concern and negativity and Jane’s worsening situation daily, that I couldn’t react. I didn’t believe or disbelieve it. I was afraid to hope, perhaps.

(Jane could still hurry things up when she wanted to — hence the early session because I was leaving later. I must be more negative than I thought after all this time, for I didn’t believe her when she said she wasn’t going to die now. For it certainly does seem that her life is almost over. When she says these days that she’s going to die, I agree with her.

(Her Seth voice wasn’t strong at all, and I had trouble understanding some of the half-quavering words. Eyes half closed most of the time.)

(I did finally express some anger as the time approached for me to leave. I accused Jane of not caring about the emotional storms I was going through. This came about when I tried to make her arms comfortable, and found her holding herself as rigid as could be — after all she’s supposed to know and have learned. It got to me. I felt blown away by such behavior.

(I should add that I didn’t mean I wished she’d die so that I’d be free. I want her to live — with me, at home, working and singing. I thought of this in the dentist’s chair. I forgot to tell her when I got back at supper time, but will tomorrow. Jane called just as I was typing this session.)