“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Jane didn’t call last night. She said that after I left her at 7:15 or so last night, following all the events of the day, she “passed out” and slept well for 2½ hours. She wasn’t so comfortable later, though. She went to hydro this morning. Pain. Later in 330 she had to call for help because she couldn’t work the nurses’ call button, and one of the nurses hollered at her. Georgia then came to help.

(I was disappointed that Jane ate so little for lunch today. I had started feeling tired when I got to 330, so decided not to press any points. Maybe, I thought, we needed time to recover from the emotions of the last few days especially. I also felt that Jane’s destiny was in her own hands, and that nothing anyone else was going to do would change that. So it is with each of us. Her recovery was up to her, then, although I still puzzled why she carried her situation to such extremes when she said she didn’t want to die.

(Jane dictated this poem from 3:00–3:06.

(Then I read her the Seth part of yesterday’s session, but not my notes. Jane said she felt a little better today generally, and I thought she acted it. “I don’t know if I’ll have a session today or not,” she said, “but keep your paper and pen handy.” And then she immediately began the session. Her words were loaded with emotion, more evenly delivered than yesterday’s session had been, yet still the rhythm wasn’t one of ease and speed.

(In no time at all Jane’s Seth voice had moved closer and closer to tears.)

(3:27. The tears were streaming down Jane’s face as she came out of the session, and their flow increased as she cried more and more. She’d delivered her words in almost a grand sepulchral manner by the break. She sobbed, her face wet, her mouth contorted.

(“I always tried to buy her things to make up,” Jane cried, her whole face twisted with tearful emotion. “I do not know whether she hated me or not. I guess she hated me.”

(“Well,” I said several times, wherever she is now, I sure hope your mother understands what she did to you. I groped for words to express my anger, for watching my wife cry certainly aroused strong feelings within me. I felt like directing some very nasty barbs at Marie — especially when I remembered those old photos of Jane that I’d looked at a couple of days ago. How could a three-year-old child, standing in the snow on Middle Avenue in Saratoga Springs, be responsible for hurting anything — or anybody?

(Wouldn’t you know it — at a time like this Carla came in to do Jane’s vitals. As long as she was there, I asked Carla to get someone to clean out Jane’s ears, for she’d been having difficulty hearing again lately.

(Carla hadn’t been gone a minute when another nurse came in, and said she’d do Jane’s ears a little later. I said fine.

(Jane wasn’t crying by now, but her reddened eyes and face must have been revealing, though no one said anything. “You never hurt anyone,” I said again. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” I held my tongue instead of cursing Marie, as I wanted to. “I’d better shut up, I guess, before I say more.”

(3:47. Crying somewhat again, Jane resumed the session. I had to ask her to repeat some words. She lay back with her eyes closed most of the time.)

(3:50. A nurse’s aide brought in Jane’s vitamins. Then another one came in to say hello and talk about the rain we were getting in spurts. “If any more of those kids come in I’ll scream,” Jane said when they’d left. But they’re all great people and a joy to see and depend upon, and obviously they like us.

(I read the session since break to Jane. “More,” she said at 3:56. Her delivery was calmer now, more even.)

(Not very long after the end of the session, Jane began making motions with both arms, raising them up from her body and rotating them. Her feet and toes also moved, and her head a little. The motions were reminiscent, on a smaller scale, of those she’d begun doing in October 1983, but eventually gave up on.

(Jane didn’t answer. With her mouth closed tight she was making grunting and keening sounds as she moved her body, over and over, expressing vocally the same efforts she was making physically. These motions too were a definite response to new freedom, and I reminded her that Seth had said earlier this year that once it’s allowed to, the physical body will begin responding immediately. This was certainly a sign of that, I said, and something I hadn’t even thought of. The session and the motions certainly did signal new things.

(When I asked her, Jane said today’s session and motions could be interpreted as being related to her dream for last night. She’d dreamed that once certain things, events, were set into motion, they inevitably would continue in their motion until they came true — then the world would end. “Well,” she said, “if I find out those things aren’t true, then the world isn’t going to end.” I said this seemed like a symbolic statement, the dream, that old beliefs meant she had no hope of extricating herself from a foregone conclusion. But if those events between Jane and Marie didn’t have to move on toward their inevitable end, as stated in the session today, then there was hope.

(After supper, Jane once again embarked upon a series of movements of her arms and hands especially. Other parts of her body were also responding — it was as if once it understood that it were set free, it would try to move as best it could right away. Most heartening, Jane, and keep it up. Great things can happen!

(Carla called for Jane at 9:30, and told me that Jane was again doing those motions. My wife was already plunging in, then. Fine.)