“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Jane had had thoughts of death when she came into the hospital a year ago. She was on morphine and had hallucinations, too. Frank Longwell’s father had just died, and she feared she might take the same road. She really did dislike women when she was younger. She’d been afraid of her body, and sex. Took it as a compliment when told she had a mind like a man. Also thought women disliked her — feared that she was after their men, and all kinds of things.

(We talked about her home environment, and how in 1965 the young psychologist at Dr. Instream’s hypnosis symposium had rearoused her fears, and my own upsets. Jane recalled being called a fraud by a fellow student in college, and by my mother. We talked about religion. All of this engendered some emotional reactions, but no tears. I kept trying to go back to what had happened before Jane got her symptoms, before she became well-known, and so forth. I told her I remembered Seth saying once that her symptoms “were amazingly stubborn.” Many things spoke of a great fear of spontaneity, reinforced again and again after the sessions had started, and the symptoms.

(Jane began to cry when she recounted the time at home a few years ago when she couldn’t get up and on her feet — finally reaching that point of helplessness. I got mad at her and yelled, saying I’d leave her sitting there if she didn’t get up — thus displaying my own deep fears that we had reached a sad and desperate point in the course of the symptoms. She remembered my crying at times. I told her I’d cried at times when she hadn’t known it.

(“Years ago in the 1960’s,” Jane said, “I thought I loved you a lot more than you loved me, and that you could get along very well all by yourself.” I said that was a total misconception on her part, that I’d never had such ideas, nor wanted to do any such thing. It had never entered my head. I knew things bugged me — working, being an artist, or trying to, and so forth — but not anything to do with her. I didn’t even fear fatherhood as much as she feared becoming pregnant. Not that I wanted fatherhood.

People who wrote books against the Catholic Church were excommunicated. Ruburt transferred those fears to society at large. There was a conflict between creative work and the church even when only poetry was involved. He should indeed give himself suggestions that the necessary insights will come to him, and that the proper connections be made whether consciously or unconsciously. But the idea is that it is safe to express himself, and that the true purpose of his life is indeed to express those characteristics that compose his personal reality.

(I hardly had time to discuss it with her, but I think the session is a breakthrough one that’s most valuable. It also showed me that even Jane’s poetry was suspect, where I’d been under the impression that the poetry was the one aspect of her creative abilities that was essentially free, or uncontaminated by fears or doubts. For years I’d thought that if Jane had done only poetry, she’d have had minimal troubles, if any.)