“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(I had several questions resulting from Jane’s material of yesterday. A remark that I’d made, to the effect that her illness has probably cost us at least half a dozen books over the years, elicited a response from her; she brought it up today, in fact. Now, she said, she wasn’t doing anything except a little bit each day. She’d picked up the idea of discipline from me, in a most unfortunate way, I thought, considering her most spontaneous nature. We talked about why her psyche had done so. She agreed that she is protected from life in the hospital. She also thought that she personally couldn’t live up to the high quality of the Seth material — her own “mental work,” a good way of putting it. The symptoms, then, served to keep her at her desk over the years because she was afraid that if left alone she’d fly off somewhere and wouldn’t do anything.

(The symptoms — and now the hospital — protected her from criticism, eliminated book tours, the whole bit. Jane got scared with Sumari in the beginning, just as she had at the start of the sessions in 1963, but she was also very curious and turned on. She was also frightened at the tests in sessions, of being wrong, and of the seance. Thought she’d be called a hysterical woman, an exhibitionist, and so on. Being right didn’t carry the weight that being wrong did. Very good. There were tears at various times with today’s material.

(I talked about the first session for Jane’s symptoms — the private portion of Session 208, for November 15, 1965 — yet she said that for her the whole thing really started the day before we went to a party in June 1966 regarding How to Develop Your ESP Power. Our friends wanted to celebrate the publication of her first “psychic” book, her first mention of Seth, but she read poetry at the party and wouldn’t talk about the ESP book — too embarrassed. A strange, protective way to behave.

(A session obviously was held the next day, however, on April 22, 1984. It took place on Easter Sunday, a chilly, gray day. Jane had read the free-association material for yesterday; she got through it okay, but had to struggle a bit. After we’d talked about the material, she announced a session.)

(“All right,” Jane said.

(Afterward we tried some free association. Jane began talking of her attempts to get people to listen to her poetry, and her early fears that she was considered odd because of her talents. This led her into talk about my mother’s opinion of her — though I tried to show that Stella’s opinion had changed and that she really liked Jane in later years. Jane agreed. I said it’s easy to judge the past, whereas one should instead simply try to learn from it and understand it, and go on from there. We seemed to arrive at an impasse of understanding today.

(Jane was afraid of others as a young girl, and even in college — that she wouldn’t get their approval — whereas, I said, the others should have been afraid that they wouldn’t get her approval, since her abilities transcended theirs. So why should she sink to the common denominator? Jane said she’d never thought of that. I said it’s too bad the young don’t have the insight to stress their capabilities regardless of the opinions of others — but such thinking comes with age, usually, I’m afraid.

(Even those at the writer’s conference in the summer of 1957, at Milford, Pennsylvania, told her she’d outgrow her urge to write — that she should have a baby. And Jane felt that her body could betray her by getting pregnant. She even thought I felt that way. It’s true that I had no urge for parenthood, but I didn’t think of betrayal, or bargains. Jane was afraid getting pregnant would ruin my career because I’d have to work full time. I could have reacted better than that, I’m sure.

(I think the important thing today was that as we talked we saw how with each category Jane described negative beliefs and reactions — an excellent point. It’s a thought we’ve had before — but it seems that each thing we’ve accomplished has been in the face of, or in spite of, a barrage of negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

(Yet she finally admitted that she knew she’d succeeded with my mother — not with my father, though. As to her own mother, Marie, I said it was perfectly okay to admit that she didn’t succeed there, or chose to withdraw or admit failure. Jane thought her mother hated her as a child, and still did even now. The mother’s hatred, Jane said, led to her need for protection — perfectly normal, I said. Jane said that when he was drunk her father told her that Marie was her enemy. Evidently she believed this.

(I read parts of the session for April 18 to Jane — wherein Seth had said she’d become extremely frightened. It’s an excellent session. “But that’s it,” Jane said mournfully. “I’m afraid I’ve gotten in so deep I can’t get out.” A good, up-to-the-minute fear, out in the open. I’ve had the same fear many times. “But I’ve decided that enough is enough,” Jane said, after I’d speculated about why her psyche hadn’t put the brakes on her symptoms before this. Emotions were expressed after all, today, and the session was a success.)