“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Jane called me last night with Elisabeth’s help. Elisabeth, our German friend, left a lemon cake for me and had brought Jane an Easter basket.

(As Seth suggested we do yesterday, we tried free association today. It worked well, and came about spontaneously when I dropped my notebook on the bed when Jane asked me to get her water. I was tired and somewhat exasperated, and she picked this up from me immediately. It set off a chain of associations for her, and she pursued them while saying she was half embarrassed to mention them. Here are the brief notes I wrote as she talked:

(When I seemed exasperated when Jane asked me to do something for her, and dropped my notebook on the bed, she at once felt a strong fear that she’d exasperate me beyond bearing — that she couldn’t afford to get me mad at her. This at once led her to feeling that as a child it had been vital that she avoid the disapproval of others — her mother, Marie, especially. And even in college, the same thing. Jane feared that if she got Marie mad, Marie would get sick and die. Marie used to tell Jane it was her fault the mother was sick, and that it was also her fault that Jane’s grandmother died, and the housekeeper. “If you didn’t watch yourself,” Jane said, “you could get hurt yourself or hurt other people.”

(Jane also felt that the sessions could be responsible for more deaths, or hurting people. She’d been terrified holding sessions, way back in the beginning, for the woman in Louisiana who had MS. At the same time she’d felt a responsibility toward helping her. Jane basically didn’t want anything to do with sick people — was afraid she could hurt them in sessions.

(Jane didn’t think the sessions could hurt her, though she often felt she didn’t get enough information through for herself. We talked about other similar situations and things, and she was near tears at times — so there definitely is emotion there. I don’t actually think we said anything brand new, but it was good to review it all. I explained my position that she didn’t need to make bargains with herself, as she used to tell me she did — that it was perfectly okay to be healthy and talented at the same time, using one’s abilities as one chose. The world wasn’t going to pass any sort of judgment if she didn’t choose to deal with the sick.

(4:50 p.m. “I’m glad I had it,” Jane said, “even though it’s late, ‘cause it’s got information you wanted. I did all right. I was able to clear my mind enough to give it.” She seemed to feel good, and I told her she’d done well. And the session had gone into the question I’d noted yesterday at the end of the session, about the roles of health and disease in our world. I was tired.

(Jane called with Carla’s help at about 9:40, as I was typing this session. She said Carla had told her that she was on duty the night of the day Jane was admitted to the hospital April 20, just a year ago. I hadn’t remembered this, nor had Jane.)