“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Jane’s been pretty blue lately, wondering whether she’ll ever get home again. I said I didn’t know how she would — or could — at this time. It’s been very nearly a year — April 20. We had a discussion that wasn’t very cheerful or helpful, and covered a lot of ground that we’d traversed before. I repeated my old comments that I’d have been more than willing to chuck the whole psychic bit years ago, if she wanted to, for I’d seen signs of trouble way back when she was producing Seth Speaks. If the psychic work was at the base of her troubles — which I didn’t really believe, and still don’t.

(I think that whatever fears of life Jane has are the result of conditioning early in life, and that they have successfully resisted all attempts to dig them out. My saying that such a course of bodily harm is pointless is beside the point, when one considers how deeply they have ruled Jane for many years. I told her I think the Seth material touches upon those fears, but doesn’t eradicate their emotional content and force. I don’t know how to help her any more. I myself have had little hope since last year, following her burst of motion beginning in October, 1983. When I saw that she was giving up on those movements after a couple of months, I took it as another sign of resistance on the part of deeply entrenched parts of the personality.

(Then there followed the round of infections, the antibiotics, the broken leg opening up, and so forth, and to me these meant that she had little hope herself. But more importantly, that they, too, reflected a dogged resistance to change on her part — of certain portions of the personality, that is. I cannot conceive of my wife’s situation being otherwise. Her body has not been given permission to heal itself, otherwise it would be doing so. It has that potential, undoubtedly. When Seth began saying that Jane would resume walking in reasonable comfort, I at first believed him, but soon came to not believe him, for I saw no sign of such a change even beginning. Instead I saw the fevers and infections, and realized that those events meant the time for healing and walking was not now.

(My own position may be too simple, but I do not believe a body can be coaxed to good health by others, or sessions, or whatever. I told Jane that if she ever improves, it will be because certain parts of her give permission. She said through tears that she wants to get well, but that meant little to me, I’m afraid, since her state flatly contradicts such protestations. I also said that on a larger, more inclusive scale I can understand a person choosing a life of illness, say, in order to learn and to explore consciousness in certain ways. I think this is what she has chosen to do so far in life. In ordinary terms her behavior is an extreme — and I added that when I asked Seth about this, he countered by talking about the extremes of poverty in Africa, say, but he said precious little about Jane per se. I took that as another sign of resistance. Nor did Jane ever return to the subject. I concluded that my asking questions was a waste of time, and stopped doing so. I have no plans to resume, for I always ended up feeling that without my pushing, Jane — either with or without Seth — just would never deal with them. And that’s been the case. Most of the private sessions we have in those 40 loose-leaf notebooks, about her symptoms, are the result of my pushing her for answers, not the other way around.

(Jane’s Seth voice today was quiet, and I had to listen in competition with noises outside and in the halls.)

(“Good afternoon, Seth.”)

(4:08 p.m. I read the session to Jane. Seth obviously didn’t return.

(The session reinforced much of what I wrote in my notes before it was held — that fear rules, and whether by choice or not, has for many years. But then, ultimately it had to be chosen. I found myself thinking as the session progressed that what’s needed is not the allaying of any current fears about going home, but the more basic ones that are “responsible” for the whole situation to begin with. Then the current fears would melt away, I think. I even think that when Seth told Jane a few weeks ago that her broken right leg could straighten itself out, this generated more fears right there — that it couldn’t do so, and so forth. I also think that when an individual wants protection or shielding from the world badly enough, he or she will go to any length to get it.)