“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

“You’re afraid of putting this stuff to the test,” Rob said. “But that’s all right at this stage of the game. I’d rather you didn’t push it.”

“No, of course not,” I said. “But it sure would be a great help if he was.” Just the same, I went into another slump. I still wasn’t at all sure that I believed in the survival of personality after death, and if we didn’t survive, then from whom was I getting these messages? My subconscious? While I used that explanation as a handy whipping boy at times, I didn’t really believe that either: my subconscious was getting enough expression in my short stories and poetry—and without adopting other personality characteristics. A secondary personality? Perhaps, but Seth didn’t fit the picture of any of the case histories we’d read—and neither did I.

While I hesitated trying the experiment, Rob sent Dr. Osis some more of the material. Dr. Osis wrote that he wasn’t interested in the material itself, since it didn’t fall within his field of empirical psychology. He asked us not to send more unless it contained reports of ESP demonstrations. Even though he expressed interest in “testing” Seth for ESP, and suggested again that we try the clairvoyant experiment, I was put off by the letter. So I sulked: If he didn’t express interest in the material, which I thought was terrific, then he could just go find someone else to go looking through his walls!

I just wasn’t ready, apparently, to put Seth or myself under any kind of test. I was afraid that Seth’s claim to clairvoyance might be subconscious bluff—his or mine—and I didn’t know if I had enough courage to call the bluff or not. And suppose it wasn’t bluff? I wasn’t ready to face that either! I just hadn’t come to terms with my experience yet. I thought of “testing” Seth in a highly rigid, uncompromising manner. Seth had to be right or wrong. The idea of hits and misses in ESP investigations was unknown to me. I had little notion of the inner mechanics involved in mediumship, and most likely my attitude effectively blocked any consistent demonstrations at that time.

Dr. Instream was delightful. Later, we were in a Howard Johnson’s restaurant in Oswego talking with the good doctor when I abruptly felt Seth about. We’d never had a session away from home. Nervously I kept trying to make eye-signs at Rob. Once I kicked his leg, hoping that I didn’t kick the doctor’s by mistake. Finally I caught Rob’s eye. He got the message and shrugged comically.

Before we finished with that visit, Dr. Instream told us unofficially that Seth had a “massive intellect” and certainly didn’t seem to be a secondary personality. He cheered me considerably by telling me that I appeared to be in excellent emotional and psychological health.