“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(The time given above is misleading, since no session was actually held tonight. It instead represents the time I went out to the card table to join Jane and wait for one to begin.

(“I was picking up the name just now,” she said. Momentarily she’d dozed at the card table; she got the name several times, just as she spelled it. I said I’d make a note of it.

(At about 4 PM I quit work, and began to prepare for my nap. I wanted Jane to lie down also, since she’d sat in her chair since about 7:30 this morning. She hadn’t even gone to the john—the same behavior she showed last Saturday, when a session had been held that night. Now Jane told me however, that she was feeling “panicky.” She’d been dozing in the chair and woke up feeling that way. It got worse. I could see that she had no intention of lying down. “God, I’m scared,” she said several times, but couldn’t say why she felt that way, at first. Then she said she thought her fright was connected to her fear of abandonment as a child—and that she would finally make life so miserable for me that I’d leave her.

(I replied that if I was involved in that fashion, then I had to be a late link in a long chain of such fears. I wasn’t denying that I could be so involved. I said Jane’s mother had been abandoned by her father, that her grandparents had also been separated through bitter argument, and that Jane herself had often been threatened with such a fate by her mother. Also—because of the nature of her own psychic work, Jane must feel abandoned by the literary establishment—and even society in general—no matter if certain people do buy her books. She’s far from being accepted by the ruling elite of our country, at least at this time. It all fit together, I said. All of this is very simplified from our discussion, which must have lasted a couple of hours. Neither of us slept.

(“I could guess at some of those other motivations,” I said, “but they’d only be guesses....” I tried to cling to the recent hopeful statements Seth has been making recently. “At the same time,” I said, “what’s he waiting for in giving us the information we need? Is there something he’d say in a session that could be any worse than what we’re dealing with everyday in our lives? It could hardly shock us any more than what’s happening now.” It hardly seemed likely. Jane said she’d do the best she could in the session tonight. I tried to reassure her before I started supper, but was so upset that it was very difficult.

(Jane felt better after supper. During her upset she’d mentioned going back to Sayre to live several times, “where we started out.” I didn’t think she wished to be 26 years old again, but I also didn’t know what the move might do for us now—that is, as far as helping restore her health went. I agreed that it could help, though. I must admit that if I’d had to guess at any upcoming major changes in our lives, moving back to Sayre would have been the last on the list. We haven’t even been there for three years.