“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Last night, at Rob’s suggestion, I looked over my notebook of sinful-self stuff with related material, hoping of course that it might trigger some important impetus or clue that would give me insight into my own position.

That position had so many facets that it was hard to follow—that they were hard to follow—and even I had difficulty keeping track of the continuing saga of medical detail. Doctor Kardon had come that afternoon. I told myself I’d react only to constructive suggestions, but I soon felt knocked down by her interpretation of events. No blood test results had really come through yet (from St. Joe’s last week). She had said earlier they would merely give indications that vasculitis might be present or might not be present—they wouldn’t say yes or no.

The material did have impact, though. Though—I could feel it again. I read almost all of it. On the topside the reasons for my position and physical condition seemed so dumb that it was hard to believe they did have that much impetus. They made less sense to Rob, who I felt found them utterly without reason.

(9:44.) That summer also seemed to be a time of crisis, as Rob pressed me, it certainly seemed to me, to seek medical attention. I’d gained a reprieve, but the reprieve didn’t gain positive results. As I read the notes I began to see some sense in the hospital situation. I must have gotten to the point where I thought, “Okay, if you’re afraid to trust yourself completely, and your own life, let’s take a taste of what it’s like to have no other place to turn but the world of conventional medicine and beliefs.” And my God, talk about fatal flaws! I’m not denying that such a framework has its good points, but the overall picture is really far worse than I’d imagined.