“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(After supper last night Jane and I had one of our discussions that left us feeling out-of-sorts—half angry and resentful, accusatory and regretful that we hadn’t done better in the past. No need to go into details here, but it ended up with Jane asking me to get the notebook of sinful-self material. By then it was 9:00 PM, but she read a lot of it and said she was picking up some valuable insights.

(She had a very restless night and called me several times. One time, at about 4:00 AM, her legs were very restless, so she got back up in her chair. I was groggy, but asked her to tell me what she meant when she said she’d come up with some good insights from the evening before. What she explained to me in briefer form is related below. I think it’s very good material, and will prove to be very helpful. Her legs, especially the left one, had bothered her considerably, and led to her getting up. I mentioned at the time that maybe she could do some dictation this morning about her new insights, and this session is the result.

But in any case she decided that I had it, and since I had already shown some evidence in my body, the next thing was how to treat it. Even discounting for the present the more tricky drugs, drugs with many side effects, quite severe sometimes, there was a drug less dangerous. Its side effect had something to do with preventing the blood from clotting so easily in the capillaries, I think. (Persantine.) The more dangerous ones, for God’s sake, turned down the body’s own defense mechanisms and immunity, an effect that really seemed absolutely senseless to me.

In any case, she wanted Dr. Sobel to look me over Friday (tomorrow at 2:45 pm). Then we were to get together when the blood tests results came, to discuss treatment, even if the vasculitis showed no further appearance, she disclaimed, it very well could invisibly attack the body, affecting internal organs in the most disastrous fashion. So taking a drug to prevent such a future development seemed the better side of wisdom to her—but not to me, not to Rob. How could my body have gotten so bad again in one fucking week—or had it? My fingers had been red before, though never that blue, when I’d been typing, and the condition vanished. But all of a sudden my physical condition did seem horrendous, and I looked at her kindly concerned face, I’m sure, with appalling dismay.

(9:29.) It made good sense enough to take the artificial thyroid that my body obviously was demanding. To introduce an entirely new line of drugs, with known side effects, for a condition that could be quite transitory—if I had it —went against everything that I believed. So Dr. Kardon’s visit was behind Robby’s suggestion that I look at my own sinful-self material, and I intuitively felt that the time was probably right. I browsed through one notebook, is what it amounted to.

(We took a one-minute break at 9:32. Bill was using his trimmer in the front lawn—a very noisy operation.)

One line I’d forgotten put the situation rather clearly, though: I was afraid that Seth’s work and my own might have some fatal flaw to which I was blind, so that I suppose by trusting the inner self and individual inspiration, I might actually also be opening up that horrendous Pandora’s box.

I don’t mean to be too hard on myself, either. To be told that you might have a brain tumor, or multiple sclerosis one week, as I was in my early days at the hospital, then be told that I would most probably never be able to put my weight on my feet again without a possible series of long operations. To be told my hearing might possibly be gone for good, or that I might need an instant operation to avoid losing a finger, to be told that it was certainly possible I could lose fingers and toes—all of those suggestions and ideas, with their implications, were hard to take, and in many ways I handled them well.

Now that I took one drug, however, or rather thyroid extract, I was to some degree connected to that structure, but because I was, this did not mean I had to fall for the rest of it. I’m sure there is more coming to me intuitively, and I hope emotionally, that will give my life the impetus that I need.

I guess I feel now that anything that one can do to better the situation in the world is bound to help, where before I wanted everything completed ahead of time in some fashion. So I do feel a new kind of inner motion, and of course I’m grateful to Rob for writing these notes down for me.