“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(She wasn’t too clear as to what she was panicky about, but as we talked I began to understand that she was re-experiencing the same round of fears that she had many times in the past, and that many of these private sessions have been devoted to over the years: her mother, her need for love, her fears of abandonment, the conflicts involving success and the psychic work, our relationship, and so forth, if anything’s left. I was certainly upset and irritated, for it seemed nothing new would come out of it all. I couldn’t help feeling that that was the way we were fated to live out our lives—that we’d picked those paths as a matter of choice years ago. We’d fallen so far away from a “normal” physical routine of living and motion that I could hardly recall what our lives had once been like. Nor, now, could I imagine Jane any other way, let alone allowing herself to recover enough to walk, say.

(I made an effort to reassure Jane at the end of our talk, by telling her I loved her and that I was going to be with her no matter what happened. Throughout her voice had carried a very pronounced tremor, as it does now whenever she becomes upset. She was frightened, and to me displayed little trust in her body, and not much in anything else.

The nuances of such a statement as I have just made are many. For now, however, I simply want to make the point that additional stress was added to the situation. A struggle for survival, it seemed, came more immediately closer, particularly in the light of the hospital situation. After his return home, the sinful self was threatened even further, it felt.

(Very long pause at 8:13, one of many.) I have most of the material we need now, but must also organize it so that it has the most therapeutic effect possible, and so that it clears Ruburt’s understanding in emotional, intuitive as well as intellectual ways. No one is at the mercy of past negative events. Ruburt, being an excellent writer, certainly does not feel at the mercy of all of those unknown, uncounted hours spent in childhood writing poetry—so it is only your frame of reference that makes the former statement appear to be true. While this material is being delivered, and while you and Ruburt are dealing with it (long pause), certain emotional aspects should come to the fore to make the affair more beneficial.

(8:31 PM. The end was abrupt. I felt so many emotions churning within me that I wondered just how I was supposed to express all of this love amid all of them. Was I supposed to just rise above all of them and forget everything else, or what? Before the session I’d told Jane that I’d always felt that in our relationship my own contributions were doomed to fall short of what she wanted and expected from me —that I’d always felt I couldn’t give all she needed from a marriage partner. Those early feelings are still true to me, and now they’re wound up with my more recent feelings that it seems to be up to me to struggle to try to save Jane from herself. An impossible task, of course, but one I’m acutely aware of these days. One small example: As usual, if it wasn’t for my own demands and suggestions, this session wouldn’t even exist—whereas to my way of thinking Jane should have demanded to have it on her own. I’d have been amazed had she done so, but glad to comply. My feeling here has always been that it’s my doing that we have any private material at all—that she’s always avoided it. In present terms I think that situation is just another example of the workings of the sinful self —to avoid challenge, to have its own way at all costs.

(I told Jane the session made me furious. “See, that’s what I mean,” she said, half crying. “I feel so dumb, and now you’ll yell at me—”