“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Jane’s symptoms, especially her walking ability, have become much worse since the last private session was held—so much so that all of a sudden it seems to be a question of how much longer she can continue to make it to the john here in the house. It can hardly be a coincidence that last week, too, we received our copies of Mass Events from Prentice-Hall, along with word from Tam that the controversial book is now being shipped nationwide. I’m positive, I said, that she became worse because of that book’s publication, along with the forthcoming publication of God of Jane, probably later this week. I for one am holding my breath in the hope and trust that God of Jane’s issuance doesn’t also contribute to a worsening of her symptoms. Her feet are more swollen and slow-moving now than I’ve seen them be in a number of years.

(Jane now spends much time afraid that she won’t be able to manipulate in the john, so it seems that now is the time to go on to other modes of help than our own and Seth’s, I said—unless these last few sessions can help, unless they can add an understanding and/or stimulus that will bring her some relief. I’m quite distraught and beside myself, personally, and so is she. “What’s the matter,” I asked her after supper tonight, “do you feel guilty because you think you deserted your mother?” I explained that I felt self-punishment, a feeling of unworthiness, self-doubt and mistrust must lie at the root of her symptoms—that she felt she must pay a price for each success, like the publishing of a book. Why else would a person put up with what she has for well over a decade, without asking others for help? Incredible, I said, and added that I must have contributed mightily to her behavior. What has happened to my lovely wife, I wondered, sitting beside her on the couch as we ate supper of bacon and waffles? What could possibly be so bad in life that we had to pay such a price?