“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(So much has happened since the last private session was held a month ago [on May 7] that I told Jane tonight that I’d make no attempt to summarize it all here. Suffice it to note that, as I also told her as we sat for this session, that these last few sessions may be “the last gasp” before we seek outside help, or are forced to. Indeed, that process has probably already begun. Events began to come to a head last week with the professional visit of “our” optometrist, Jim Adams, to check Jane’s double vision problems.

(Jane’s symptoms, especially her walking ability, have become much worse since the last private session was held—so much so that all of a sudden it seems to be a question of how much longer she can continue to make it to the john here in the house. It can hardly be a coincidence that last week, too, we received our copies of Mass Events from Prentice-Hall, along with word from Tam that the controversial book is now being shipped nationwide. I’m positive, I said, that she became worse because of that book’s publication, along with the forthcoming publication of God of Jane, probably later this week. I for one am holding my breath in the hope and trust that God of Jane’s issuance doesn’t also contribute to a worsening of her symptoms. Her feet are more swollen and slow-moving now than I’ve seen them be in a number of years.

(Jane now spends much time afraid that she won’t be able to manipulate in the john, so it seems that now is the time to go on to other modes of help than our own and Seth’s, I said—unless these last few sessions can help, unless they can add an understanding and/or stimulus that will bring her some relief. I’m quite distraught and beside myself, personally, and so is she. “What’s the matter,” I asked her after supper tonight, “do you feel guilty because you think you deserted your mother?” I explained that I felt self-punishment, a feeling of unworthiness, self-doubt and mistrust must lie at the root of her symptoms—that she felt she must pay a price for each success, like the publishing of a book. Why else would a person put up with what she has for well over a decade, without asking others for help? Incredible, I said, and added that I must have contributed mightily to her behavior. What has happened to my lovely wife, I wondered, sitting beside her on the couch as we ate supper of bacon and waffles? What could possibly be so bad in life that we had to pay such a price?

(Perhaps it was no coincidence that before supper tonight Jack Joyce visited to discuss how much we should pay quarterly on our estimated NY State tax for 1981 — another success story that must be paid for?

Because of the Prentice situation, and because of the decision not to work on our book for a while, he felt blocked, not knowing how or when to move ahead (underlined). For all of your own regrets and recriminations about Prentice, for example, he was himself pleased by Tam’s letter today, that that bridge toward motion had not been severed.

When our material began to deal directly with the world, then, Ruburt’s questioning intensified. At the same time, however, the self will not be denied its creativity, and it will most stubbornly seek out those areas of its own expression, so not working on my book will not help solve Ruburt’s difficulties, and may indeed aggravate them, simply because of the further inhibition of expression.

Our material does not work by providing bandages, but by providing an overall aura of creativity that in itself generates self-healing and self-understanding—and that is how other people are helped.