“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(So much has happened since the last private session was held a month ago [on May 7] that I told Jane tonight that I’d make no attempt to summarize it all here. Suffice it to note that, as I also told her as we sat for this session, that these last few sessions may be “the last gasp” before we seek outside help, or are forced to. Indeed, that process has probably already begun. Events began to come to a head last week with the professional visit of “our” optometrist, Jim Adams, to check Jane’s double vision problems.

(Jane’s symptoms, especially her walking ability, have become much worse since the last private session was held—so much so that all of a sudden it seems to be a question of how much longer she can continue to make it to the john here in the house. It can hardly be a coincidence that last week, too, we received our copies of Mass Events from Prentice-Hall, along with word from Tam that the controversial book is now being shipped nationwide. I’m positive, I said, that she became worse because of that book’s publication, along with the forthcoming publication of God of Jane, probably later this week. I for one am holding my breath in the hope and trust that God of Jane’s issuance doesn’t also contribute to a worsening of her symptoms. Her feet are more swollen and slow-moving now than I’ve seen them be in a number of years.

(Jane now spends much time afraid that she won’t be able to manipulate in the john, so it seems that now is the time to go on to other modes of help than our own and Seth’s, I said—unless these last few sessions can help, unless they can add an understanding and/or stimulus that will bring her some relief. I’m quite distraught and beside myself, personally, and so is she. “What’s the matter,” I asked her after supper tonight, “do you feel guilty because you think you deserted your mother?” I explained that I felt self-punishment, a feeling of unworthiness, self-doubt and mistrust must lie at the root of her symptoms—that she felt she must pay a price for each success, like the publishing of a book. Why else would a person put up with what she has for well over a decade, without asking others for help? Incredible, I said, and added that I must have contributed mightily to her behavior. What has happened to my lovely wife, I wondered, sitting beside her on the couch as we ate supper of bacon and waffles? What could possibly be so bad in life that we had to pay such a price?

(Jim Adams also called just before supper, and I relayed the substance of his call to Jane. Last week he’d said himself that Jane’s eyes were good, that she had no eye disease, or glaucoma, etc. —worries Jane has fretted over for years. Jim agreed with us—and Seth, incidentally—that Jane’s trouble with double vision was muscular in nature. He decided against using prisms to unify her visions because of frequent problems people had with nausea, etc. Instead he measured her for new reading glasses, and these alone evoked an enthusiastic response from Jane, since she could see to read much better with the test lenses.

(Jim Adams also suggested that Jane see a medical internist to get at the root of the muscular difficulty, and gave us the names of three local doctors he recommended highly. He also promised to call an ophthalmologist friend of his, to explain Jane’s case to him and hear what this individual—a Dr. Werner—had to say about Jane’s double vision. Thus, tonight in his call Jim told me that Dr. Werner had said that Jane’s double vision was “the end result” of something muscular in nature. Dr. Werner recommended that she be tested to discover the causes, and asked Jim if Jane had ever had any “mini-strokes,” since such unsuspected and even unfelt attacks could have muscular repercussions. Dr. Werner added that he felt Jane should get attention, since help could lengthen her life span through muscular relaxation. Jim Adams is to see us later this week to check on black frames for Jane’s new glasses, and she can question him on Werner’s responses then.

(I might add that Frank Longwell has suggested that Jane’s extreme slowness of movement currently stems from healing changes taking place in her muscles, and that such movement is protective in nature. Perhaps, I said, but the slower motion doesn’t appear to be leading anywhere, as one might expect it to. We gather that Frank isn’t particularly in favor of contacting the medical establishment, but what is one to do, I asked Jane, if one cannot bring oneself out of his or her difficulties unaided? Jane has been having steadily increasing difficulties in the bathroom ever since the last private session was held—and, of course, even before that. Seth has said often that just because one has physical difficulties does not mean those problems are fated to get endlessly and progressively worse, but this hasn’t been born out in Jane’s case —so far. How much longer dare we wait? Jane herself said during Jim Adams’s first visit that “I don’t want to go to any hospital for tests.”

(Jane had thought she might not be able to have a session tonight, but she began to feel Seth around soon after I began writing these notes, at about 7:30. She did well in the session, if rather slowly, but at the same time I became more upset and frustrated as Seth spoke.)

(For the record: Seth referred to Tam’s letter in which he informed Jane that Prentice-Hall had granted her a continuation of the old contract terms and royalty rates. The new organization at Prentice-Hall, the General Publishing Division, has announced a new, reduced system of royalties, but Jane continues as she has been. Tam also sent Jane a copy of the new Prentice-Hall contract form, but informed her that she can continue to use the old one she’s accustomed to, if she wants to.)