“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

As I stated before, Ruburt was not responsible for his mother’s illness, the break-up of her marriage, the deaths of his grandmother and housekeeper (long pause), and had he had brothers or sisters, for example, they would have reacted in their own fashions to Marie’s behavior. Ruburt had been put in the Protestant day camp for an unfortunate short summer following the grandmother’s death, and later into the Catholic home for a more protracted period of time. To some extent he thought of that as punishment, of course, of being abandoned, forced to take charity as well, and the home reinforced all of the Catholic beliefs, particularly stressing the sinfulness of the body. Remember for example the bathing episodes. There was no distinction made: to be sinful was of course to be a sinner, and in that home there was no time to foster any kind of independence—the children had to follow strict schedules, toe the mark.

(Long pause at 9:56.) He spent a good deal of time on his knees, then, doing penance when he did not fit into that structure. If he looked into a mirror and was caught at it, he was then caught in the sin of pride. When he wet the bed in the fourth grade night after night, the act was characterized as dirty.

Some of those unfortunate conditions, however, or questions, remained unresolved, and it is with those you are contending. They end up neatly summarized in the concept of the Sinful Self—a self so sinful that its own body had to be hidden from itself while it washed (all intently).

Ruburt’s grandmother taught him to sleep with his hands above the coverlets, so that the child would not even begin subconsciously to feel its own parts while it slept (again intently). The Sinful Self then became very alert: how could it trust its own works, if it were so indelibly tainted?

(Long pause at 9:32.) Worse, its questions were largely ignored, so that its panic grew. Another portion of the self seemed to be initiating an entirely different system of reality, in complete opposition to that early background, and the Sinful Self was bound to react with some alarm. It is already beginning to change its views. It wanted the communication to begin with. In the meantime Ruburt felt—because of those beliefs—to some extent now, I am simplifying —that he could not do enough, produce enough, help himself or others enough, that he could not satisfy you enough in many areas, because he felt he was so flawed to begin with, therefore he did not deserve love, and would have to work for it, or plead for it.