“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Ruburt’s mother often told him she wished the birth had not taken place, and that Ruburt had not been born. She let Ruburt know that she wanted a boy —a son—rather than a daughter to begin with. So Ruburt felt that he was certainly a disappointment to say the least.

(Slowly:) Ruburt’s mother chose her own life. She did then obviously decide to have a child, abortions or no, for in this case they did not work. (Long pause, eyes closed.) She and Ruburt chose a relationship that would terminate, so the two would go their separate ways. (Long pause.) His mother actually found in the nursing homes a certain kind of comradeship. She was always involved in the politics of such institutions.

(Long pause, one of many, at 9:36.) Ruburt’s background formed its own relative uniqueness—the household was charged. Give us a moment.... Ruburt picked that background because it afforded certain opportunities. Those opportunities involved emotional understanding, a very close and emotional contact with a particular belief system, and a firsthand view of a certain kind of reality structure.

It also allowed for the emergence of creativity. In a fashion it presented a kind of concentrated learning course. Ruburt has changed in many ways, but throughout Marie’s life, Marie changed relatively little—that is, any change was well with a certain recognizable scale.

Why should anyone choose that kind of a lifetime? That was one of many, many questions (pause) that Ruburt had slated for himself. Where did that kind of belief system end up? How could it be altered or adjusted or rearranged to suit the needs of his own generation—or had it served all of its purposes? What were its benefits as well as its unfortunate aspects? How did creativity operate under such conditions?

Now to some extent each person tests the nature of reality in each life for himself or herself, and also for the entire generation. How can life be made better? So all of that was a portion of Ruburt’s challenge. Marie’s purposes were her own, but the two obviously embarked on a relationship together, knowing that it would go so far and be relatively unsatisfactory.

As I stated before, Ruburt was not responsible for his mother’s illness, the break-up of her marriage, the deaths of his grandmother and housekeeper (long pause), and had he had brothers or sisters, for example, they would have reacted in their own fashions to Marie’s behavior. Ruburt had been put in the Protestant day camp for an unfortunate short summer following the grandmother’s death, and later into the Catholic home for a more protracted period of time. To some extent he thought of that as punishment, of course, of being abandoned, forced to take charity as well, and the home reinforced all of the Catholic beliefs, particularly stressing the sinfulness of the body. Remember for example the bathing episodes. There was no distinction made: to be sinful was of course to be a sinner, and in that home there was no time to foster any kind of independence—the children had to follow strict schedules, toe the mark.

(Long pause.) In that background Ruburt saw firsthand an example of many of the most unfortunate issues with which we have been presently concerned, to at least some extent, as he followed his mother’s adventures through the medical system, for example, through the welfare process. Marie was also a woman living without a man for many years. She was a strong personality. She lived in a relatively tumultuous emotional climate, provided with one kind of emotional excitement or another all the while.

Marie did not hate Ruburt, though at times she could be quite hateful in her expressions. She was primarily bitter, and that bitterness lashed out at anyone, with Ruburt the nearest target. (Long pause.) Her last illness, while painful, was not a long lingering one. Ruburt need not blame himself for not attending Marie’s death.

(Long pause at 9:17.) The emotional situation did not lean in that direction: they had parted too many years before. It was as if Marie were saying, “This is the kind of a life those beliefs can create. Now you go out and see what you can do to change it.” Those events also added high drama, rich content, and provided unique creative material. Even in that background and with Marie’s behavior, Ruburt received a grounding in poetry, you see. His mother tried her writing. It would never have occurred to your mother to try short stories.

The priests introduced “good” music, poetry, and a high educational background, even if it was a limited distorted framework. Father Traynor provided some kindliness, compassion and good will as he tried to translate Catholic dogma to Ruburt’s rebellious mind. He tried to restrain Marie in her expressions of bitterness.

Marie also found peripheral relationships throughout later life, with nurses or attendants who turned into friends—and while her life certainly was not a happy one, it was not as tragic as it now seems to Ruburt to have been, so that the beneficial elements of that early background were used without quarreling, of course. The unbeneficial elements were also used, many with quite creative results.

Ruburt’s grandmother taught him to sleep with his hands above the coverlets, so that the child would not even begin subconsciously to feel its own parts while it slept (again intently). The Sinful Self then became very alert: how could it trust its own works, if it were so indelibly tainted?

(Long pause at 9:32.) Worse, its questions were largely ignored, so that its panic grew. Another portion of the self seemed to be initiating an entirely different system of reality, in complete opposition to that early background, and the Sinful Self was bound to react with some alarm. It is already beginning to change its views. It wanted the communication to begin with. In the meantime Ruburt felt—because of those beliefs—to some extent now, I am simplifying —that he could not do enough, produce enough, help himself or others enough, that he could not satisfy you enough in many areas, because he felt he was so flawed to begin with, therefore he did not deserve love, and would have to work for it, or plead for it.

That is enough for this evening, since you read sessions today also. You should be quite encouraged, however, by Ruburt’s responses of late—