“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Jane had a pretty good day today—until we read over some of the late sessions this afternoon, those having to do with her relationship with her mother. Then she became “irritated and edgy” as she lay down for her nap. And last night, as usual, she’d had some dreams bearing upon our currents efforts to help her. They hadn’t been nightmarish, though. Actually, she’d slept well, and got up to have breakfast with me. This morning she did an acrylic of the mums Frank Longwell had given her for her coming birthday.

(“See, I got scared then,” Jane said at 8:17, coming awake and sitting up straight on the couch. She wasn’t sure whether the momentary fright came from the sleeping or the fear of relaxation, though my feeling was that it was the latter. “I don’t know whether you should ask any questions about my mother,” she said, “that’s charged material....”

(This afternoon I’d suggested that she might like a word from Seth on her mother’s present situation—meaning that if her mother now had more insight as to her treatment of her daughter, this knowledge might help Jane feel better about her own reactions to her mother. Yet Jane wasn’t sure. When I repeated the suggestion now she said it regenerated those feelings of panic and/or unease, “but we haven’t time to go into them now, with the session due and all.”

Ruburt’s mother often told him she wished the birth had not taken place, and that Ruburt had not been born. She let Ruburt know that she wanted a boy —a son—rather than a daughter to begin with. So Ruburt felt that he was certainly a disappointment to say the least.

He was made to feel often that he was at least strongly responsible for his mother’s illness. It was also true that on other occasions his mother apologized for such statements—but the statements of course were highly charged and emotional, while the apologies were relatively prosaic.

(Slowly:) Ruburt’s mother chose her own life. She did then obviously decide to have a child, abortions or no, for in this case they did not work. (Long pause, eyes closed.) She and Ruburt chose a relationship that would terminate, so the two would go their separate ways. (Long pause.) His mother actually found in the nursing homes a certain kind of comradeship. She was always involved in the politics of such institutions.

As I stated before, Ruburt was not responsible for his mother’s illness, the break-up of her marriage, the deaths of his grandmother and housekeeper (long pause), and had he had brothers or sisters, for example, they would have reacted in their own fashions to Marie’s behavior. Ruburt had been put in the Protestant day camp for an unfortunate short summer following the grandmother’s death, and later into the Catholic home for a more protracted period of time. To some extent he thought of that as punishment, of course, of being abandoned, forced to take charity as well, and the home reinforced all of the Catholic beliefs, particularly stressing the sinfulness of the body. Remember for example the bathing episodes. There was no distinction made: to be sinful was of course to be a sinner, and in that home there was no time to foster any kind of independence—the children had to follow strict schedules, toe the mark.

(Long pause at 9:58.) When he wrote the letters to his mother they were censored. The nuns told him that he must say he was happy, whether or not he was. By the time he returned home he was quite rigid and moralistic. On the other hand, for the time being he had a very secure belief system against which for quite a full number of years he could test his own mental, emotional and spiritual vigor.

(Long pause.) In that background Ruburt saw firsthand an example of many of the most unfortunate issues with which we have been presently concerned, to at least some extent, as he followed his mother’s adventures through the medical system, for example, through the welfare process. Marie was also a woman living without a man for many years. She was a strong personality. She lived in a relatively tumultuous emotional climate, provided with one kind of emotional excitement or another all the while.

(Long pause at 9:17.) The emotional situation did not lean in that direction: they had parted too many years before. It was as if Marie were saying, “This is the kind of a life those beliefs can create. Now you go out and see what you can do to change it.” Those events also added high drama, rich content, and provided unique creative material. Even in that background and with Marie’s behavior, Ruburt received a grounding in poetry, you see. His mother tried her writing. It would never have occurred to your mother to try short stories.