“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Long pause, one of many, at 9:36.) Ruburt’s background formed its own relative uniqueness—the household was charged. Give us a moment.... Ruburt picked that background because it afforded certain opportunities. Those opportunities involved emotional understanding, a very close and emotional contact with a particular belief system, and a firsthand view of a certain kind of reality structure.

Why should anyone choose that kind of a lifetime? That was one of many, many questions (pause) that Ruburt had slated for himself. Where did that kind of belief system end up? How could it be altered or adjusted or rearranged to suit the needs of his own generation—or had it served all of its purposes? What were its benefits as well as its unfortunate aspects? How did creativity operate under such conditions?

As I stated before, Ruburt was not responsible for his mother’s illness, the break-up of her marriage, the deaths of his grandmother and housekeeper (long pause), and had he had brothers or sisters, for example, they would have reacted in their own fashions to Marie’s behavior. Ruburt had been put in the Protestant day camp for an unfortunate short summer following the grandmother’s death, and later into the Catholic home for a more protracted period of time. To some extent he thought of that as punishment, of course, of being abandoned, forced to take charity as well, and the home reinforced all of the Catholic beliefs, particularly stressing the sinfulness of the body. Remember for example the bathing episodes. There was no distinction made: to be sinful was of course to be a sinner, and in that home there was no time to foster any kind of independence—the children had to follow strict schedules, toe the mark.

(Long pause at 9:58.) When he wrote the letters to his mother they were censored. The nuns told him that he must say he was happy, whether or not he was. By the time he returned home he was quite rigid and moralistic. On the other hand, for the time being he had a very secure belief system against which for quite a full number of years he could test his own mental, emotional and spiritual vigor.

(Long pause at 9:17.) The emotional situation did not lean in that direction: they had parted too many years before. It was as if Marie were saying, “This is the kind of a life those beliefs can create. Now you go out and see what you can do to change it.” Those events also added high drama, rich content, and provided unique creative material. Even in that background and with Marie’s behavior, Ruburt received a grounding in poetry, you see. His mother tried her writing. It would never have occurred to your mother to try short stories.

(Long pause at 9:32.) Worse, its questions were largely ignored, so that its panic grew. Another portion of the self seemed to be initiating an entirely different system of reality, in complete opposition to that early background, and the Sinful Self was bound to react with some alarm. It is already beginning to change its views. It wanted the communication to begin with. In the meantime Ruburt felt—because of those beliefs—to some extent now, I am simplifying —that he could not do enough, produce enough, help himself or others enough, that he could not satisfy you enough in many areas, because he felt he was so flawed to begin with, therefore he did not deserve love, and would have to work for it, or plead for it.