“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(“The pendulum repeated my insight of a couple of days ago—one that may be very important: that all of my upsets over the years, the stomach, the side, the groin, the shoulder—the whole bunch—stem from my consistent feeling that I’m a failure in life, that I don’t contribute enough, that I don’t help Jane enough, that I haven’t really made it as an artist or as a writer.

You were astonished when Ruburt told you how much money the Gallaghers were making, for if Bill sold his soul, few it seems could have sold it for less. Bill, however, concentrated upon life’s regrettable elements, upon the impediments, the dishonesties and so forth, until it seemed that even if he followed the world’s way he could not succeed. His idea of manliness was such that he insisted upon a conventional job, clear-cut.

As the evening progressed Sue Watkins became more and more upset, as Bill pointed out the toll that society demanded, the impossible stakes and the penalties that must be paid. Bill feels that his business productive life is coming to an end, when he will retire. He spoke of the values that existed when he was young in the world, that now are gone. With all of that as background, then look back to the time clock you found, hidden in your dream in a closet.

(10:07.) Now: the route you chose was far different than your friend’s. You did not choose a job as a life endeavor, where money would be clearly paid for acts specifically assigned, nor did you choose a route for which there was any conventional role for you to follow.

The ideas of age bring this kind of thing into focus. They make Bill Gallagher for example more bitter about his life, for he feels cheated of the rewards when he followed the system. Conventional ideas of age, however, can limit your own ideas of your own creativity. You start thinking “How much time is available?” when the very creative thoughts themselves make more time available.

You did what you wanted to do, in line with your own natural inclinations, and only when you judge your circumstances against convention’s surface beliefs do you lack your own approval. You cannot rate the subjective growth of a personality, lines of comprehension, or the value of ideas given to the world. You are a success in lines that can be felt by the world but not measured. The books are more effective than any letter to a congressman, and you put the substance of your life into your notes.