“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

We must start with the fact that Ruburt did not feel secure as a child, but was made somewhat to feel responsible for his mother’s illness and breakup of her marriage. He was then sent to a home. He was a high-spirited child, and was taught there that he must toe the mark and do what the others did, or he would be punished.

Later, when he returned home, he learned that he must toe the mark again, or Welfare would put him in another home. He must not make waves. It was not safe to stand out. His food, clothing, and survival depended on toeing the mark. The church provided a family of sorts, but that family also was dependent upon religious obedience. Ruburt’s high spirits and abilities fought against such circumstances. He finally broke away from the church—running to college—a college considered by the church at the time as communistically inclined, antireligious, and so forth.

His survival in college, since he had a scholarship, was dependent upon toeing the mark, and even then he refused to do so; and was quite unceremoniously kicked out on his independent ass.

He refused several marriage proposals, having determined he would not toe the mark at all in a conventional marriage. He tried a relationship with Walt, but his high spirits and abilities would not stand for that kind of repression. When he met you, he turned to love and science, for by then he had set upon science and the intellect as a safe means of containing his abilities and expressing them.

Your own joint sexual love was too hot for either of you to handle, and you both tempered it with intellectualism and caution; but for all of that it has endured. Ruburt’s abilities and energy kept seeking fulfillment. Through those years he considered himself an outcast from society, and he did not know where his abilities were leading. He tried to toe the mark while doing his own thing. He did not identify with the world or its people. He identified mentally, however, with science, with the avant-garde, and so was sustained. At the gallery, for example, when your psychic work began, he did not speak out, and you encouraged him not to, and you both considered this as a scientific kind of breakthrough. When Ruburt discovered that his energy and abilities had led him to a point where he was at odds with religion and science, and had no place to roost, thematically, he became very worried.

(10:00.) If you did not toe the mark, you were punished severely, or abandoned; or your sustenance was cut off. His unconscious had learned to tread a careful line, to let Ruburt use his abilities while seeing that he was protected at the same time. Its ideas were largely gained in childhood, and there was a giveand-take between Ruburt’s fears and hopes. Gradually, however, the give-and-take gave. He held back the fears, thinking them beneath adult behavior. He stopped giving his unconscious feedback in that regard.

A point also from the past—if he did not toe the mark with Walt, Walt also threatened to abandon him—once, in the middle of the desert.

He found himself with you and his work. He would do what he would do anyway, protecting himself as he thought fit. When the feedback stopped, the subconscious became panicky. Since so much of Ruburt’s life was involved with yours, it felt that Ruburt must now toe the mark with you also—at least topside —so that he must not express any contrary opinions, or that you would abandon him also, in which case he would be utterly alone.

Give us a moment.... Ruburt did not approve of fear. He felt it was, again, cowardly. It was given no validity, nor acknowledged as valid. As the books continued to sell, several conflicts arose. They served expression and creativity, and they insured financial security—but at the same time they made Ruburt’s unofficial “dangerous” thoughts publicly available. They told the world he did not toe the line, and he feared retribution, ostracism, scorn.

He fears the books will not sell, because he is afraid, as in childhood, that if you do not toe the line your sustenance will be taken away. Remind him that financially at least that not toeing the line has paid off very well indeed, and in your pendulum work inform the subconscious of that.

As his abilities blossomed, the safeguards turned into fortifications. He could not counter the fears because he would not acknowledge them. The unconscious therefore felt forced to take stronger measures.

(10:20.) Give us a moment.... At times, again, inroads would be made. I have probably mentioned before that in college Ruburt would cross the street often rather than meet a group of students. The pattern simply intensified. The Gallery of Silence affair was simply another episode, in which fears were poohpoohed, but he was afraid that those people would come here, and he felt threatened.

His new room gave him the view that he wanted, but no protection—and not only that, but then he was the one who met guests head-on.

(A note: We should ask Seth what sort of countering experience he has in mind.)

Ruburt does not think that you are afraid, for you seldom voice any fears. He feels, therefore, that he is a coward, that fears make him seem abject, that they are unacceptable. On various occasions, when the suggestions in his papers worked—you follow me—they worked because at the same time Ruburt was writing down his feelings: his aggressions and his fears.

He felt that aggressive action was also threatening, for the same reasons as just given. You do not bite the hand that feeds you. The feelings of panic are the result of fears usually buried, when they simply reach a point of intensity that seeks acknowledgement.