“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

The dedication, again, is extraordinary. Taken for granted also is a life relationship with another, and a determination to work out problems within that context; again, a loyalty and love that many have not yet attained. For all of your problems, each of you take your life relationship and your life journey as your lot, accepting the loyalty of the other without question.

Again, many have not been able to attain that kind of relationship even in which to work out problems. The methods that must now be changed, misguided as they were—and they were misguided—still worked for your benefits in large ways. They could have been far more disastrous. The situation is as you both saw it this evening (while reading Jane’s list), except that you did not see it in perspective.

When new “threats” arose, Ruburt reverted to the old pattern. (The new threats being the death of my mother; our freedom to travel, now that we have finished Personal Reality; the absence from home and the interruption of routine, etc., as we talked about tonight.) Reading our book however kept some improvements alive, and it was but a matter of time before he would read again the sessions of work that I gave him (as Jane did today). The beliefs for a while fell back into invisibility because he wanted them to, of course. Those particular sessions are highly important.

Now. Let’s return to the basis: the dedication to “work.” This in itself is good, but his idea of “work” was what limited him, and what is still limiting him. His life is his “work.” This includes his particular, unique, extraordinary abilities; but these spring out of his life, and even out of his relationship with you.

Great talent requires great spontaneity, not great discipline. Spontaneity knows its own order, and will see that it flows in proper, free, orderly directions. Ruburt has been trying to dam his spontaneity to make sure it flows only through his work, and in doing so has hampered both his life and his work.

In so doing he has cut down on the psychic information he could otherwise receive. You cannot shut down, or slow down certain methods of communication, or try to block out some neurological frameworks so that other portions will operate more effectively. It does not work that way.

The individual feels the presence of great energy, and is unsure as to how to use it. Picasso let it go freely. Ruburt wonders how much wasted energy went into Picasso’s antics—that should have gone into his work. Van Gogh and Cézanne were afraid of their energy, and with all they did could have done far more. Picasso’s free flow of energy in all areas freed energy for his work, and did not detract from it. He kept his channels to energy open, therefore the energy flowed through his work freely, and in a short period of time he could produce a painting that might take years for another as gifted to produce, who husbanded his talent as a miser.

Ruburt sees the two of you against the world. He has taken precautions to protect you and himself. The spontaneity he feared might interfere with his abilities is precisely the key that will release them and him. It is important that you, Joseph, also examine your beliefs honestly in regard to your work and spontaneity, and your relationship with the world.

(A quick, and probably partial answer: I do not know how much I may have counted upon Jane’s symptoms in the past to furnish a private world in which I could work. If I ever felt this way it was quite hidden from myself. I do think that the point of no return there was passed some time ago—several years, in fact. Now I think that any such benefits as isolation cannot compare with the price paid to achieve such a state. How could watching my wife hobble along possibly be considered a fair price to pay for privacy? The time spent in performing such simple chores as limping down the stairs and out to the car, for example, is far more on a daily basis than any that would be spent chatting with a neighbor, or even visiting, etc. And above all, the symptoms are not worth it to achieve isolation, for ironically the resultant time to work has lost the one ingredient that is important above all: peace of mind in which to carry out the appointed tasks.)

Those purposes involve each of you and your work, and those methods that you think are necessary to direct your energies “properly,” husband your energy, and protect you from what you think of as a hostile world. You are as afraid of your energies as Ruburt is. He is afraid of not directing them into his “work.” He is convinced that he must protect you and himself from any spontaneity not reflected in work, and from the world.

You are afraid of releasing your energy into your work, for fear it will carry you beyond all ordinary relationships—simply because your father’s creativity seemed to cut him off from his wife and sons, and to lead to isolation. Creative success, not necessarily in terms of money, but creative fulfillment, becomes then a threat in which you see yourself cut off and isolated—while isolation is precisely what you think you must have to fulfill your abilities.

(An added note: I now also realize that my not having an outside job helps Jane perpetuate her symptoms—the idea of “protecting” me against the world, etc. —see page 12. I’m very afraid now that my not “working” signifies my tacit approval, to her, of her course of action. I may have to get outside work to break this pattern—for break it I must, if only for the sake of my own feelings and reactions. I may even go so far as to sell paintings—but something will be done.

(Or when I HAVE decided to get better and improve, I’d change my mind at any “danger”; or I’d get better awhile to make Rob feel better when I think he’d rather just have a normal wife. [But he could have chosen somebody else and he chose me because I had these ideas about work, wouldn’t threaten him with kids, make him get a regular job, keep us focused, etc. What other wife could do that? Stupid.] Apparently I feel that’s why he married me, and what we had in common.

(Like if I have to make a choice to be like others, I’d waste time like they do, fritter away energies etc., let go. We haven’t even got discipline to get up at a decent hour much less work as we should.

(All of this has to be turned to finding different methods quickly and an examination of the original theses, and the need for discipline to begin with. What did I give up to get what I’ve got? Do I really want to keep it up and how can I keep good results and get rid of method? Do I really want to end up as an invalid with R. devoting time to me and anything left over to his work, what would this get either of us?

1. I still feel guilty doing creative stuff like poetry in work time when it might not sell. How about part of day working on whatever book I’m doing and part on poetry?

5. Symptoms keep me at my work, can’t do much else; they stop me from frittering away my time, provide built-in discipline that makes up for other people’s work hours. Like we don’t get up early when we don’t have to; if I didn’t have to stay in and work, would I?

6. Now I feel I should be working at Aspects instead of poetry... I put up with that conflict and do poetry anyhow now and then; sloppy thinking in here and feel Tam won’t really go for poetry.

7. With the symptoms Rob does lots of chores I think he wouldn’t do otherwise, freeing me to work? Keeps me from wasting my time with housework; think it’s degrading for R. as a male to do chores so much so the symptoms give us both an excuse; also gives him an excuse for not knowing for sure what he wants to do, paint or whatever, he can blame it on lack of concentration because of me.

9. Yet R.’s work as painter may be greater than either of us know, so on the other hand I feel he should hang onto them, rather than scatter his work, put them in one large room—bedroom?—to show them off well and sell them at high prices; he doesn’t sell many now anyhow and his prices may reflect his ideas of art value in society. Is there a correlation between my conflict between poetry and book contracted for, and Rob’s attitude toward art and money?

11. I think all this is for Rob’s good as much as mine despite my fears and his fears for me. One thing I can give him; buy time for him to do whatever he wants, be free of family and money problems, if he worries about me he isn’t going to feel responsible to get a job and my symptoms give him an excuse not to socially (old ideas) and the symptoms cut down on my flamboyance which has class to express itself in. It’s kept in work where it can’t threaten our framework.)