“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(I believe this point was reached long ago. Jane, I’m waiting. What could I possibly be getting out of this deal that’s worth the price? As I’ve said several times lately, I think that it is only very recently that Jane has begun to appreciate my reactions to her condition; that she has even realized that I have a position about them. This in spite of my certainty that my own behavior in earlier years most certainly helped bring the symptoms about. Watching her, I felt for years that she and her symptoms proceeded on their own way quite oblivious to my reactions. I seemed to be an observer, not really taken into account.

(Added conflict when: it looks like I’m getting worse and I get scared; when I’m really improving and get scared, when I feel inferior in stores—the other side of the coin and that keeps me from going out more as it’s supposed to; when I feel I look lousy or see myself naked.

(All of this has to be turned to finding different methods quickly and an examination of the original theses, and the need for discipline to begin with. What did I give up to get what I’ve got? Do I really want to keep it up and how can I keep good results and get rid of method? Do I really want to end up as an invalid with R. devoting time to me and anything left over to his work, what would this get either of us?

6. Now I feel I should be working at Aspects instead of poetry... I put up with that conflict and do poetry anyhow now and then; sloppy thinking in here and feel Tam won’t really go for poetry.

10. At same time I think you should go out each day, exercise, see people, do other things for balance, but this is later stuff? and really just want to write and distrust those impulses. And when I feel them, they’re charged.