“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(After supper Jane and I went over a long list of reasons—beliefs—she had compiled today about the reasons for her symptoms. I thought the list contained accurate perceptions, the best she has done. Jane made the list because of some things I had said in recent days—that the same reasons for her symptoms were still operating, in spite of all the deleted sessions we’d had, in spite of all the suggestions, etc. Many items on the list seemed self-evident. By session time I didn’t know whether Seth would blast us or praise us.)

Again, many have not been able to attain that kind of relationship even in which to work out problems. The methods that must now be changed, misguided as they were—and they were misguided—still worked for your benefits in large ways. They could have been far more disastrous. The situation is as you both saw it this evening (while reading Jane’s list), except that you did not see it in perspective.

When new “threats” arose, Ruburt reverted to the old pattern. (The new threats being the death of my mother; our freedom to travel, now that we have finished Personal Reality; the absence from home and the interruption of routine, etc., as we talked about tonight.) Reading our book however kept some improvements alive, and it was but a matter of time before he would read again the sessions of work that I gave him (as Jane did today). The beliefs for a while fell back into invisibility because he wanted them to, of course. Those particular sessions are highly important.

(A quick, and probably partial answer: I do not know how much I may have counted upon Jane’s symptoms in the past to furnish a private world in which I could work. If I ever felt this way it was quite hidden from myself. I do think that the point of no return there was passed some time ago—several years, in fact. Now I think that any such benefits as isolation cannot compare with the price paid to achieve such a state. How could watching my wife hobble along possibly be considered a fair price to pay for privacy? The time spent in performing such simple chores as limping down the stairs and out to the car, for example, is far more on a daily basis than any that would be spent chatting with a neighbor, or even visiting, etc. And above all, the symptoms are not worth it to achieve isolation, for ironically the resultant time to work has lost the one ingredient that is important above all: peace of mind in which to carry out the appointed tasks.)

(Nothing. As I told Jane this evening after reading her list with her: No one, myself included, would have any right to expect another to pay a price such as her symptoms so that the other party would get anything out of the deal whatsoever. My point was that if she perpetuated her symptoms because of any reasons involving me, that she should instantly dispense with all of those reasons. Others should be left to their own devices in life, etc., etc....)

(I believe this point was reached long ago. Jane, I’m waiting. What could I possibly be getting out of this deal that’s worth the price? As I’ve said several times lately, I think that it is only very recently that Jane has begun to appreciate my reactions to her condition; that she has even realized that I have a position about them. This in spite of my certainty that my own behavior in earlier years most certainly helped bring the symptoms about. Watching her, I felt for years that she and her symptoms proceeded on their own way quite oblivious to my reactions. I seemed to be an observer, not really taken into account.

(When these private sessions first began in earnest perhaps a few months or a year ago, this was one of the first questions I asked. Seth very nicely said that Jane did take my feelings into considerations; but I never thought the answers were very satisfactory, and without checking the record I do not remember any benefits flowing from the session.)

(10:42 PM. As stated on page 11, my position is that Jane should dispense with her symptoms, as far as my behalf is concerned, no matter what the reasons might be on my part. And as far as I’m concerned that attitude applies to her own reasons too....

(An added note: I now also realize that my not having an outside job helps Jane perpetuate her symptoms—the idea of “protecting” me against the world, etc. —see page 12. I’m very afraid now that my not “working” signifies my tacit approval, to her, of her course of action. I may have to get outside work to break this pattern—for break it I must, if only for the sake of my own feelings and reactions. I may even go so far as to sell paintings—but something will be done.

(I want Jane to include her list with this session—the one of December 17, 1973. Preferably typed for easy reference:

([December 17, Monday 1973. Jane:] Part of me feels that the symptoms are an acceptable even ingenious way of seeing that distractions are cut to a minimum; to focus my abilities, like a kid getting a cold to stay in, but more sophisticated, cuts through the necessity for explanations, etc. I think that the symptoms have been a means, and less drastic than some taken by others like Van Gogh for instance [though Picasso just let it all hang out]. Extraordinary talent takes extraordinary discipline, and the symptoms can be used against any distraction.