“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

When you were a boy and went off by yourself to draw, your mother often acted rejected. She was pleased—with your talent, per se, but she was jealous of you. At times you felt as a child that painting, or rather drawing, hurt her, and that also she might retaliate by withholding her support in other areas. You also used the drawing and your talent to some degree as a method of exerting your own independence from her oftentimes smothering love. You were told in so many words that it was selfish of you to spend so much time by yourself, for often even when you were with Loren (my younger brother), for example, you carried a circle of your own intent about you.

So while you complain and resent intrusion, some part of each of you is reassured. Your fellows do after all seek you out, even if the time is wrong. On the other hand, to some extent you squander the free time you have, for example, squandering your Friday evenings often—but not always. You should have a clear picture, taking some definite time out for friends, and it should be clearly understood that in your working hours you expect to be alone.

In your position, then, Friday night could be a time when your friends know you are available, free, and looking forward to sociability. You would be if the rest of the week were cleared—and it would be cleared if you realized that what was involved was simply a matter of your own quite natural working habits and convenience, and made it clear that people were welcome at another time.

It does not matter that Friday night in particular is the time, or that one or two nights, or four nights, in a month are given to social behavior, but that you clearly differentiate, and make that clear.

There may be times in working hours when someone comes, and you do feel like seeing them. That is all right. Most of the time, however, you are not honest. You say yes when you mean no. This only serves to reinforce your beliefs that it is impossible to maintain your privacy, and you feel then less in control of your own time.

Your time will now shortly be your own. You must manage it with conscious decisions, even if you go on trial basis with different methods, working toward what suits you best. It is not the method you latch upon that is important, but that you insist upon making conscious decisions, and taking conscious control of your time. In the past you felt and believed that this was not possible, and so your attempts failed, largely because you were afraid—overly afraid —of hurting other peoples’ feelings, and somewhat afraid that your desire for solitude would cut you off too much from others.

If you arrange for your own work times, and those times are adequate, you will have peace of mind. Then your natural desire also to see other people will propel you, again quite naturally, to make suitable arrangements that will then be most fruitful.

My suggestions in that area, as per Fridays, were simply meant as an example. I was not suggesting each Friday, but some time set aside for sociality, not simply with the Gallaghers. You will not hurt their feelings either. See them twice a month. It does not matter whether you work all night, or so many hours a day, as long as you are satisfied.

This time he is improving in spite of the working men, for example. In the past several days his body has responded remarkably well, with vitally important loosening taking place. Those improvements are better than even I would have expected, even though the overall locomotion is very uneven.

That is why I want that other issue, so important to both of you, jointly and consciously tackled. If you are so afraid of hurting peoples’ feelings face to face, then lock your doors, and put a “people working, come back later” sign outside. At least you would feel that you were in control of your time, for you are.

(Loudly:)Now I could go on for some time.

People are reborn in themselves time and time again. There is more than one adulthood in one life. You are, all in all, using your earthly time well, shoving into it birth after birth. There are accelerations that occur, or that do not occur, by which people renew themselves. They shed old beliefs as snakes shed skins, and they literally begin new existences. You are doing this.

Now: further illumination: when Ruburt asks you if you are tired five times in an hour, he means, “I love you. I am sorry that you must go to such extra work during the day, on my behalf. I hope that it does not tire you out. I cannot express my sorrow that I put you to so many chores that I should be able to help you with.” But he does not express his love on such occasions—only his concern. That should sound familiar.

The ligaments do their utmost, releasing spasmodically to the utmost at times in an exercising capacity, then go back to a position that is operationally practical, while representing an improvement over an earlier position. Therefore you have a period of instability. Ruburt experienced that with the sudden fast arm motion (earlier today), but his eyes were not used to moving that fast.

Yet in your terms of time you are often in periods where you appear more influenced by the past. You are moving into a period where you are becoming more influenced by the future, in those terms, drawn by an impetus you feel but cannot consciously elucidate as yet.

You could not settle for less. The same applies to Ruburt and his writing, and those are the challenges you have undertaken. By their nature they do not give you niches in which you can rest. You are creating an art that exists now, though you cannot see it, but only sense it at times.