“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

It is difficult to know where to begin, but we will start with your joint beliefs: (a) that you need solitude a good deal of the day in which to work; (b) your definite belief jointly that this solitude is almost impossible to achieve. Those two beliefs are very important, and put you in a quandary. You never seem jointly to satisfy yourselves with any method or program or routine that works—in other words, that gives you peace of mind.

When you were a boy and went off by yourself to draw, your mother often acted rejected. She was pleased—with your talent, per se, but she was jealous of you. At times you felt as a child that painting, or rather drawing, hurt her, and that also she might retaliate by withholding her support in other areas. You also used the drawing and your talent to some degree as a method of exerting your own independence from her oftentimes smothering love. You were told in so many words that it was selfish of you to spend so much time by yourself, for often even when you were with Loren (my younger brother), for example, you carried a circle of your own intent about you.

(9:49.)...There is more here.... Give us a moment. I am now not speaking simply of personal events from your childhoods, or saying that you are mechanically operating now in certain fashions because of them. I am saying that your experiences led you to certain sets of beliefs. In school, ordinary society in adulthood—these were all scheduled toward outward activity. You have gone your own ways, but in some cases you are still hampered by old beliefs. People will not be personally hurt if you honestly state your position. In fact, your ambiguity puts them in an odd position, for you say one thing and mean another. They can feel the difference. When Frank asks Ruburt frankly—if you will excuse the pun (amused)—“Are you working? Am I bothering you?” and Ruburt smiles sweetly and says “No, that is fine,” then Frank is faced with Ruburt’s smiling countenance, while his intuitions tell him something else entirely.

So while you complain and resent intrusion, some part of each of you is reassured. Your fellows do after all seek you out, even if the time is wrong. On the other hand, to some extent you squander the free time you have, for example, squandering your Friday evenings often—but not always. You should have a clear picture, taking some definite time out for friends, and it should be clearly understood that in your working hours you expect to be alone.

It does not matter that Friday night in particular is the time, or that one or two nights, or four nights, in a month are given to social behavior, but that you clearly differentiate, and make that clear.

Your time will now shortly be your own. You must manage it with conscious decisions, even if you go on trial basis with different methods, working toward what suits you best. It is not the method you latch upon that is important, but that you insist upon making conscious decisions, and taking conscious control of your time. In the past you felt and believed that this was not possible, and so your attempts failed, largely because you were afraid—overly afraid —of hurting other peoples’ feelings, and somewhat afraid that your desire for solitude would cut you off too much from others.

My suggestions in that area, as per Fridays, were simply meant as an example. I was not suggesting each Friday, but some time set aside for sociality, not simply with the Gallaghers. You will not hurt their feelings either. See them twice a month. It does not matter whether you work all night, or so many hours a day, as long as you are satisfied.

No one can assess the quality of a life. The body in some respects has its own innocent life—a part of yours, but apart from it in certain respects. It will seed the earth, and so it knows its death is not death.

Now: further illumination: when Ruburt asks you if you are tired five times in an hour, he means, “I love you. I am sorry that you must go to such extra work during the day, on my behalf. I hope that it does not tire you out. I cannot express my sorrow that I put you to so many chores that I should be able to help you with.” But he does not express his love on such occasions—only his concern. That should sound familiar.

The ligaments do their utmost, releasing spasmodically to the utmost at times in an exercising capacity, then go back to a position that is operationally practical, while representing an improvement over an earlier position. Therefore you have a period of instability. Ruburt experienced that with the sudden fast arm motion (earlier today), but his eyes were not used to moving that fast.

Now driving, riding, is beneficial, for it artificially allows the eyes horizons of distance, and large areas of focus. He is not moving that fast bodily, but his eyes are newly accustomed to faster motion. Earlier, the eyes’ motion fit the bodily stance. He only looked downward when he walked. When he sat, he moved his entire head. The eyes, therefore, have become unsynchronized in that regard, and are learning more natural motion. He was not aware of the difference before.

I do not want to overemphasize such processes of the past, however, but only what is being done now as the healing processes continue. As things stand, I believe he is headed for some vital periods of relaxation. He should be able to copy an hour or so a day, but do not push that issue. It will follow naturally.

Yet in your terms of time you are often in periods where you appear more influenced by the past. You are moving into a period where you are becoming more influenced by the future, in those terms, drawn by an impetus you feel but cannot consciously elucidate as yet.

You could not settle for less. The same applies to Ruburt and his writing, and those are the challenges you have undertaken. By their nature they do not give you niches in which you can rest. You are creating an art that exists now, though you cannot see it, but only sense it at times.

The suggestion is that you work three nights, and that you do this at least three nights each month. End of session. You would be surprised at the results. But at least give the matter consideration, for that alone will help.