“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Ruburt feels that he has a dragon by the tail. He is damned if he will let go and yet he is afraid to pull harder. You can specifically say that this has to do with what you call your psychic work, but even before “it” began he was aware of that energy of his, concerned about using it, focusing it, delighted with it, and afraid of it at the same time.

He is literally a great receiver of energy. He attracts it and it must therefore then go through him, translated into experience outward. He is himself. He cannot turn himself off, or his abilities off. It is only when you make a differentiation, and basically an artificial one, between other natural abilities and psychic ones, that you think of his psychic activities as a conflict.

(10:22.) Greater recognition might help at a certain level, but this is not the answer. The fact that psychic books, so-called, do not give him what he thinks of as conventional literary praise is annoying but not basically pertinent.

He has been using the symptoms indeed as brakes. These brakes have been applied in what you think of as the psychic arena because that is the chosen situation. It is not physical mobility that worries him, but inner mobility. He is afraid to go ahead, feeling it not safe, yet he is damned if he will retreat, and for that matter he realizes that there is no retreat from your own knowledge and experience.

It is no use saying you wish no psychic development had occurred. It is like saying you wish a tree was a violet, or vice-versa. The experience is his nature. This nature also required precise and yet flexible and free manipulation. This is acquired naturally through experience, through the experience of being himself. When he began to cut off his natural spontaneous expression in dream reality, out-of-body travel, etc., he denied himself the acquisition of that facility to some degree.

(Intently:) You were not sure if you wanted to go on tours. The symptoms gave you breathing space. You each had an excuse ready-made. You were also worried about Ruburt’s spontaneity in psychic matters, and for a while quite approved of the sudden brakes. Both of you to varying extents now were willing to put up with the disadvantages involved, and still to some extent you both feel the same way.