“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

There was no normal (underlined) give and take in a family with siblings, where equals—children—could more or less safely express themselves between themselves.

Ruburt’s feelings were largely directed against the parent. He was not encouraged, but discouraged from expressing normal anger. He was afraid of his mother’s wrath. You know those conditions.

(A few notes: I have always felt that my early life, being so different than Jane’s, had a lot to do with my approach to painting, once I embarked upon it after meeting her when I was about 34. I didn’t grow up with the consuming urge toward fine art that she developed about writing at an early age. I did commercial work for many years. I have always taken these differences for granted, and evidently assumed too much when I thought she understood them.

(Further, my urge toward doing my best work comes at an age when I feel that I should be doing my best work. When I started painting, I was appalled to discover my ignorance. I’ve spent years trying to learn. The urge to learn, perhaps overdone, may be one of the Nebene characteristics, [and as an aside I thoroughly wish the Nebene character did not exist.] But regardless of that, I didn’t think my wish to excel in my chosen field necessarily a poor one. I was willing to spend the time necessary to master painting. Each one has been a trial. The last year has been very productive as far as learning goes, and I’m at the point where I expect it to begin paying rich dividends. It also seems that this point coincides with a time of trial for Jane and me, as witness these deleted sessions.

(I have for some time thought that Jane needed to sell her writings as a means of justifying her life—whether these writings were her best work was, in that sense, immaterial; she couldn’t possibly wait until her writing was a polished art before beginning to market it. So I don’t believe comparisons between her selling her work, and me selling mine, mean much. I also have an attitude that is quite personal, whether it is a good one or not: I don’t care too much what others think about my painting. Oddly enough, I am sure that my work will end up very successful, both as art and in the marketplace. So I can safely say that in my own way I am trying very hard to make a “success” of my work. Our methods differ markedly, however.

On the same level: With Ruburt’s background he felt no man would support him, yet wanted to be supported. It would prove he was being cherished. The part-time job on your part was of course a compromise, but loving you, he felt it was at the expense of your creative output and purposes.

There is no doubt that he began to feel that his every creative act had to pay off financially. Better that than have you tied to that job at Artistic for any longer a time. This put you directly on the spot. He wanted you to do your thing, at the same time that the financial pressure grows. Yet it was good that you left the job when you did.

(I told Jane after this session that I’d intended to leave the job in a year or so —in other words, at about this time, rather than when I did. I thought that by now we’d have a good financial backlog built up, and freedom of action. I didn’t realize last year of course that she was so dissatisfied with the psychic image and the books; I blithely assumed that she felt she was doing good work, and that she accepted it, which doesn’t mean that I had any thoughts of ever saying she shouldn’t do any other kind of writing, ever. I had no idea of the bitterness or the depths of her resistance to, or feeling against, being sidetracked, as she sees it, from her main goals in life.)

He decided then, with your help, to drop Adventures, as was necessary at the time. The financial question was then brought to a head by your ideas also of moving. I knew of course this would be the case.

In his own way your father was saying “Since you do not trust my creativity I will deny you its benefits, even if I deny myself its benefits”—this to your mother; and you picked up a taboo: you could make money on art as long as you felt it was not really (underlined) creative—that is, commercial. But you would keep good work to yourself and not sell it. So Ruburt did not accept any of your answers.

Were you not selling your paintings to spite him or yourself or your mother? If you did not want to do portraits, why accept commissions? Say no. Give us a moment. (Pause.) His unspoken anger grew. He is pleased with my book. He was always deeply grateful for your part in Seth Speaks, and in the sessions. Your later, better communication and rapport made matters worse, for his unexpressed feelings seemed then completely unjustified, and his fear of hurting you grew stronger.

He was also afraid that you would lose self-respect on your own and he could not bear that. Now you may take a break or end the session.

(I said I was willing to face whatever developed because of this action—that if I had to get a job on part-time basis, okay. After all, we do have money; money also is due from her father’s estate, royalties, Rich Bed eventually, and the sale of paperback rights by Prentice-Hall; ESP class also helps—Jane said she enjoys the class. I don’t see her symptoms lessening, so feel that action must be taken.

(Ideas of self-respect, or its lack, have never meant a thing to me... I am free of such burdens. When I left my job I thought it would please Jane, and of course I was glad to see it go, although I would have waited longer on my own. I must admit I don’t understand why each thing we do seems to make matters worse. What is left in our lives to learn, to uncover? What do other people do? I pity them, I guess.)