“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(They had to do with my painting, my lack of financial contributions this year, etc. Jane cried while telling me about them, and while we used the pendulum. They also have to do with her teeth and jaw symptoms, and fear of eating recently, we’ve learned.)

(Further, my urge toward doing my best work comes at an age when I feel that I should be doing my best work. When I started painting, I was appalled to discover my ignorance. I’ve spent years trying to learn. The urge to learn, perhaps overdone, may be one of the Nebene characteristics, [and as an aside I thoroughly wish the Nebene character did not exist.] But regardless of that, I didn’t think my wish to excel in my chosen field necessarily a poor one. I was willing to spend the time necessary to master painting. Each one has been a trial. The last year has been very productive as far as learning goes, and I’m at the point where I expect it to begin paying rich dividends. It also seems that this point coincides with a time of trial for Jane and me, as witness these deleted sessions.

(I have for some time thought that Jane needed to sell her writings as a means of justifying her life—whether these writings were her best work was, in that sense, immaterial; she couldn’t possibly wait until her writing was a polished art before beginning to market it. So I don’t believe comparisons between her selling her work, and me selling mine, mean much. I also have an attitude that is quite personal, whether it is a good one or not: I don’t care too much what others think about my painting. Oddly enough, I am sure that my work will end up very successful, both as art and in the marketplace. So I can safely say that in my own way I am trying very hard to make a “success” of my work. Our methods differ markedly, however.

(A thought: I now realize that Jane put the same interpretation on her own work—namely, the psychic work. It took me years to learn that she regarded her work in the psychic field—and the time and energy involved—as aside from her main creative goal, which is to write “straight” literature that is also art.)

The more you spoke of prices of food going up, the worse the feelings about eating became (and the tooth and jaw symptoms). Even our sessions would be contracted for in advance. Now this is fine with me. It makes no difference, and it will not to Ruburt when these connections are made clear.

(Ideas of self-respect, or its lack, have never meant a thing to me... I am free of such burdens. When I left my job I thought it would please Jane, and of course I was glad to see it go, although I would have waited longer on my own. I must admit I don’t understand why each thing we do seems to make matters worse. What is left in our lives to learn, to uncover? What do other people do? I pity them, I guess.)