“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Ruburt’s feelings were largely directed against the parent. He was not encouraged, but discouraged from expressing normal anger. He was afraid of his mother’s wrath. You know those conditions.

Normal angry feelings are natural methods of communication, ways of stabilizing situations. They serve to prevent strong (underlined) aggression or violence, both in animals and men. Coupled with a habit of consciously (underlined) repressing normal angry feelings, we have Ruburt’s loyalty to you. The feelings mentioned at the (supper) table were conscious at times, but he refused to acknowledge them.

In the past. I am speaking now of habitual ways of handling conscious angry thoughts. When you were ill they began, but he felt even less able to acknowledge them as his own. The background has largely been given of those times.

He feels that you have not tried to make a success of your art, but have used excuses while blaming him for using excuses; that he tries desperately to sell his books, while you will not lift a finger to sell your paintings; that if he waited until he did his best work, he would never have sold a thing.

He feels that you are not satisfied with your work, and so will not try to sell it in the marketplace, while he must sell his work in the marketplace. There are several levels of feeling here. On one level he would not care, if only he felt you were really (underlined) painting what you wanted, and pleased with it; but you do not seem pleased.

(Further, my urge toward doing my best work comes at an age when I feel that I should be doing my best work. When I started painting, I was appalled to discover my ignorance. I’ve spent years trying to learn. The urge to learn, perhaps overdone, may be one of the Nebene characteristics, [and as an aside I thoroughly wish the Nebene character did not exist.] But regardless of that, I didn’t think my wish to excel in my chosen field necessarily a poor one. I was willing to spend the time necessary to master painting. Each one has been a trial. The last year has been very productive as far as learning goes, and I’m at the point where I expect it to begin paying rich dividends. It also seems that this point coincides with a time of trial for Jane and me, as witness these deleted sessions.

(Therefore I will make a harder effort to do both my art and to make it available to others and to get money with it, to broaden its communicative necessities—this I am perfectly willing to do once I understand its necessity. I do not seem to be the kind to dash off paintings to sell them and let it go at that. I want them to be transcendent. Perhaps erroneously, I didn’t think I could start out with them being that—but I did feel sure that the state would be achieved.)

We are going to get a good portion of this out, but you two have to face it on an emotional level, and you avoid it, both of you. These are not unconscious hidden things. Ruburt is faced with the fact that he is afraid to eat. He is ashamed because at one level he begrudges the food you eat, so he will not eat to punish himself.

On the same level: With Ruburt’s background he felt no man would support him, yet wanted to be supported. It would prove he was being cherished. The part-time job on your part was of course a compromise, but loving you, he felt it was at the expense of your creative output and purposes.

In his own way your father was saying “Since you do not trust my creativity I will deny you its benefits, even if I deny myself its benefits”—this to your mother; and you picked up a taboo: you could make money on art as long as you felt it was not really (underlined) creative—that is, commercial. But you would keep good work to yourself and not sell it. So Ruburt did not accept any of your answers.

(11:26. I asked Seth for a break, but this proved to be the end of the session. Both of us were upset, of course. I told Jane that I had been having a change of mind, and that perhaps she shouldn’t contract Seth’s latest book in advance after all. I had become afraid a contract would reinforce the emphasis on psychic work that she wants to get out from under. I told her I would go along with whatever she decided on the contract, but did express my thoughts on it.