“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(They had to do with my painting, my lack of financial contributions this year, etc. Jane cried while telling me about them, and while we used the pendulum. They also have to do with her teeth and jaw symptoms, and fear of eating recently, we’ve learned.)

(“Do you mean tonight?”)

He feels that you are not satisfied with your work, and so will not try to sell it in the marketplace, while he must sell his work in the marketplace. There are several levels of feeling here. On one level he would not care, if only he felt you were really (underlined) painting what you wanted, and pleased with it; but you do not seem pleased.

(A few notes: I have always felt that my early life, being so different than Jane’s, had a lot to do with my approach to painting, once I embarked upon it after meeting her when I was about 34. I didn’t grow up with the consuming urge toward fine art that she developed about writing at an early age. I did commercial work for many years. I have always taken these differences for granted, and evidently assumed too much when I thought she understood them.

(Further, my urge toward doing my best work comes at an age when I feel that I should be doing my best work. When I started painting, I was appalled to discover my ignorance. I’ve spent years trying to learn. The urge to learn, perhaps overdone, may be one of the Nebene characteristics, [and as an aside I thoroughly wish the Nebene character did not exist.] But regardless of that, I didn’t think my wish to excel in my chosen field necessarily a poor one. I was willing to spend the time necessary to master painting. Each one has been a trial. The last year has been very productive as far as learning goes, and I’m at the point where I expect it to begin paying rich dividends. It also seems that this point coincides with a time of trial for Jane and me, as witness these deleted sessions.

(I do believe that I haven’t made enough of an effort to inform Jane of feelings and goals of mine that I seem to have taken for granted. I can only say that I thought she knew them, or many of them. They aren’t all that mysterious. I hope I live in this reality long enough to get a few years’ mileage out of what I think I have learned.

(Therefore I will make a harder effort to do both my art and to make it available to others and to get money with it, to broaden its communicative necessities—this I am perfectly willing to do once I understand its necessity. I do not seem to be the kind to dash off paintings to sell them and let it go at that. I want them to be transcendent. Perhaps erroneously, I didn’t think I could start out with them being that—but I did feel sure that the state would be achieved.)

There is no doubt that he began to feel that his every creative act had to pay off financially. Better that than have you tied to that job at Artistic for any longer a time. This put you directly on the spot. He wanted you to do your thing, at the same time that the financial pressure grows. Yet it was good that you left the job when you did.

(I told Jane after this session that I’d intended to leave the job in a year or so —in other words, at about this time, rather than when I did. I thought that by now we’d have a good financial backlog built up, and freedom of action. I didn’t realize last year of course that she was so dissatisfied with the psychic image and the books; I blithely assumed that she felt she was doing good work, and that she accepted it, which doesn’t mean that I had any thoughts of ever saying she shouldn’t do any other kind of writing, ever. I had no idea of the bitterness or the depths of her resistance to, or feeling against, being sidetracked, as she sees it, from her main goals in life.)

In his own way your father was saying “Since you do not trust my creativity I will deny you its benefits, even if I deny myself its benefits”—this to your mother; and you picked up a taboo: you could make money on art as long as you felt it was not really (underlined) creative—that is, commercial. But you would keep good work to yourself and not sell it. So Ruburt did not accept any of your answers.

Were you not selling your paintings to spite him or yourself or your mother? If you did not want to do portraits, why accept commissions? Say no. Give us a moment. (Pause.) His unspoken anger grew. He is pleased with my book. He was always deeply grateful for your part in Seth Speaks, and in the sessions. Your later, better communication and rapport made matters worse, for his unexpressed feelings seemed then completely unjustified, and his fear of hurting you grew stronger.

(I said I was willing to face whatever developed because of this action—that if I had to get a job on part-time basis, okay. After all, we do have money; money also is due from her father’s estate, royalties, Rich Bed eventually, and the sale of paperback rights by Prentice-Hall; ESP class also helps—Jane said she enjoys the class. I don’t see her symptoms lessening, so feel that action must be taken.

(Ideas of self-respect, or its lack, have never meant a thing to me... I am free of such burdens. When I left my job I thought it would please Jane, and of course I was glad to see it go, although I would have waited longer on my own. I must admit I don’t understand why each thing we do seems to make matters worse. What is left in our lives to learn, to uncover? What do other people do? I pity them, I guess.)