“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

He does feel a strong responsibility to hold his own financially. Poverty in youth was counterbalanced by ideas of wealth because of the father’s background. Ruburt hoped his talent would bring him some kind of magical translation of his father’s supposed wealth. Working alone had a magic, yet while money came from someplace else—working out—the weight of financial desire did not rest upon creativity.

He wrote despite the fact that he had to work, and out of love of writing. When work in terms of making money was applied to writing, then divisions occurred in his attitude as to what might be salable and bring money, and therefore fall into the work category—and what might not be salable but highly creative regardless.

Today he was afraid, for one thing, that if he left himself alone he would just write poetry that very well might not sell. He feels he is his own employer, and as an employer must see that he produces salable work. Creatively however he wants to go full blast regardless, and that is the way of course that he produces his best “work.”

Breaking schedule brought some of this to consciousness. It was carried to such an extreme finally that often, at least, his best creativity came after hours. The schedule became nearly an obsession. It had to be broken. If he chooses to work hourly again, it will be a new fresh conscious decision. For both of you however, you must understand that work was the rule for a long time.

He feels that he has taken a chance that you have not taken, staking financial survival on creative work. But here also is one of the rubs, for both of you used to take it for granted that real creativity did not sell. So Ruburt became somewhat suspicious when he considered creativity of his own, and afraid that it would not sell because it was creative.

He felt therefore that he had to make his way of life pay. He used to feel that you were accusing him when you said that he did not know what it was to punch a time clock, meaning that he did not have the guts or the ability. At the same time you had not chosen that source either but very briefly. Creative work was his joy, but that creativity also had more and more connotations that applied to work and money.

It had to pay off. It had to be scheduled, and even the time within the writing hours was watched so that it was productive. At the same time distractions were minimized, impulses to move away from the desk cut down, and day-dreaming, dream recall, and out-of-bodies became not business, not-work. Naps in the day meant laziness. If you were working out, Ruburt thought, you could not do this.

The improvements do show that his beliefs are changing, and some of his anger today was simply energy that he has been withholding from himself for fear that it would not be correctly used. He is feeling impulses to go out for example for walks that he did not feel before, and be more physically active, while at the same time he does not yet feel able to perform to his satisfaction.