“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

The session contained information about vital aspects of Ruburt’s personality, but given in your terms at a particular period of time. More intimate material concerning your own relationship could not be given then, of the kind given later. He would not allow it.

What was not said is this: he felt that no one with whom he had been intimately involved believed in him as a person, or trusted his intrinsic value, except for yourself. Your meeting and love helped reinforce all of his own creative aspects and rearroused his faith in himself. While he had that strong faith in himself, the other tendencies, including the false prophet ideas, lost all but the most minute significance.

His mother, Father Ryan, Walter, some college friends, Mozet, Hays, all of those persons in one way or another implied strongly at times that he was either a saint or a devil, a creator or a destroyer. He held his faith in himself despite those odds, and because of the vitality of his youth.

You alone seemed to accept him as the person that he was. Love is a great reconciler, and the greatest healer, and so is trust. Some of this can be given later if you want specific connections. As your own complaints grew however, about your job, this place (house), publishers, and his behavior, he began to feel that he did not have your trust, and therefore the old doubts, slowly at first, began to emerge.

He was afraid to make a decision for fear that it would be the wrong one, and sometimes literally afraid to move for fear of making the wrong move, and earning your displeasure of disapproval.

It is true that for some time he then projected portions of his own overly-conscientious portions upon you, and then reacted; but it is also true that you had schooled yourself to display displeasure through a heavy silence, and were afraid of displaying your happier, sunnier emotions.

When he was spontaneous, it seemed, you did (underlined) disapprove. At the time that session was given (367th) those elements were paramount. It was because of his great love for you and his knowledge of your great love for him, that your disapproval, by contrast, was (underlined) so chilling.

If you, who loved him so deeply, distrusted him, then you see he must seriously consider that he must indeed watch himself carefully.

Ruburt has always known this. To some extent he had equated his recovery as almost impossible at times, since in those terms, now, and when (underlined) they operate, it puts him in the position of trying to be perfect. Do you follow me?

Now. Ruburt felt that his symptoms were, in your eyes, the concrete indications of his imperfections. They became a symbol to him. You would not accept him as he was unless he was perfect. You would not accept him with the symptoms as an imperfect being, and love him anyway. He felt that unless he became physically perfect again (underlined) you would not love him again in that way he wanted.

He had to be perfect for you in order to be physically perfect, and he felt it impossible to be perfect enough, so that this could be physically materialized. He felt you were rigid in your standards. Now much of this has to do with his own characteristics, as given, and ways of reacting. He was afraid you would become like your father in his treatment of your mother.

He felt unable to freely (underlined) express his fears to you, feeling they would only upset you. You did not express your fears often to him, so he began to hide his warm, vulnerable self from the person he loved most.

Both events are important—the death of his father and the mailing of the book. He felt that you were strongly dissatisfied with the circumstances surrounding the book: you told him it was marred because of his missed sessions; the fact that it was accepted instead of another book (Dreams, etc.). And the Nebene characteristics that came out strongly as you worked with the details toward the book’s end.

Another marred performance, with you he felt as the judge.

His father’s death reminded him that he was suddenly quite alone except then for his mother, and also brought up the question of age.

He could not satisfy either parent, or you, or apparently himself, and there seemed no place to turn. With you home, it seemed, you only noticed his imperfections more.

He felt—this is an answer to another question—that there was a veiled threat involved in my remark that I would not be dispensed with. There was none. He felt angry that often it seemed you trusted me but not him. He was never in danger of any severe emotional or mental difficulties. He would always cope—and in the main creatively, if unconventionally or bizarrely.

He did not feel safe however to go ahead fully if he did not feel he had a strong, loving, creature-type trust with you. Does that answer your main questions?

He did feel accused in your eyes, and he was determined that your relationship live up to its potentials as much as was possible.

(“It’s nothing great. What do you think about the news he got about sales this week, because of the Time Magazine article?”)

(“Should he consider it?”)

Now you knew Ruburt’s stubbornness. You knew he would insist upon drawing you out in precisely those ways that you desired and feared, so both of you were quite aware of what was going on.

You gave also creatively, and do not forget that. Age is involved, in that you knew Ruburt would go so far and no further, and so did he.

Indeed. He is too literal to let things remain hidden. He would have made changes, and insisted you face the symbolic situation in concrete terms, as in entirely separate apartments, or different bedrooms, until the physical situation mirrored the symbolic ones.

In his role as woman Ruburt would not want to appear in public with you unless he was gallantly and proudly escorted. He expected this always. For a while, now, the symptoms also represented a holding back because he feared you were jealous of his success, to save you embarrassment, as mentioned in the past.

In the main however he felt he did not live up to your expectations, that the two of you were not together emotionally.

He felt ashamed of what he thought you thought of as trivial unimportant matters, homey concerns. He became ashamed of them. Fear of childbirth was also involved. He feels you both can be more lenient now since the possibilities have dropped some: because of his age he is less likely to become pregnant, than when he was, say, 30.

He also felt sexually that what you wanted least was true spontaneity, for that could lead him to forget himself enough to forget proper birth control methods. You did not trust intercourse anymore than he did.

You can get around this however, using methods given earlier, and reassurance. He will be afraid for a while that you will turn away from him again. It has never been what you said, so much as your unexpressed communications that bothered him. What is said you can face, work out, and encounter.

Ruburt would not allow that to happen any more, for both of your sakes. He would not hurt himself either beyond a certain point. Hence his just-surfacing thought last week about separate apartments. Beyond all this he also knew he had to consider the separate apartments while knowing they would not be necessary. Do you follow me?

He had to know he could do it, and that he would, while a portion of him knew quite well that it was not necessary.

Now—I told you earlier something about that. He displayed his body wearing shorts and swimsuits, and that was also involved. Check the session.

(We thought the session was over, but began discussing Richard Bach’s postcard of November 10, mentioning that he could accept a reincarnational hint or two. To ge some data for Dick, Jane went back into trance at 11:00.)